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It took a long time, but every moment of it was beautiful. She crested without dramatics, a delicate gasp of breath and her muscles tensed. I could feel the tightness in her belly, her urgent fingers gripping at my scalp. She twitched and arched her back just a little, and her feet pressed against my back, but there was no breathless exclamation, no bucking and groaning and begging for more.
She caught her breath, and she was smiling, and my hands were at my belt, sliding my jeans down. Her eyes grew wide as she felt my cock against her skin.
“Are you on the pill?” I said.
She shook her head. “No… not yet…”
Shit. She must have seen the disappointment in my eyes, and her hands reached for me, snaked between us and squeezed my cock to hold me there. “But I can… I can go to the chemist… there is a pill I can take.” She looked so nervous. “Please…”
I nudged my cock to the wetness of her. “You’re sure? I can stop.”
“No, please…”
I pushed against her and she was so tight she barely opened for me. I groaned, and my cock twitched and jerked. “Relax, Helen. Let me in…”
I kissed her mouth and pushed a little harder, and her pussy stretched around me just enough for the tip. I pushed a little more and she tensed up, her whole body tense. “Ow…” she breathed.
I stopped moving. “It’s ok. Just relax.”
She screwed her eyes shut and bit her lip, and squeaked as I pushed in again, and something was off, something was very off.
“Helen… are you ok?”
I hovered above her, staring until she opened her eyes.
“Yeah, I’m good. I’m really good.” But she squeaked again and gripped my thigh with her fingers. “Just please… go slow… go really slow…”
I was going slow. Slower than I’d ever gone. And then it dawned.
“You’ve done this before, yes?”
No answer.
“Helen, have you done this before?”
She turned her face away from me and her expression said it all.
The air left my lungs, and she was a little girl again. A little girl in a sweet white bra on the school stage about to be fucked by a teacher twenty years her senior. It made me feel sick. Sick with myself.
“I thought you said there’d been others. Boyfriends?”
She covered her face in mortification. “There were…”
“But you didn’t…?”
Her lip trembled when she answered me. “I was… I was nine… we didn’t…”
Oh sweet Christ. I pulled away. Quickly. My fingers shook as I pulled my jeans back up. “Christ, Helen. I’m so sorry.”
“No,” she said. “Please don’t say that. I want this! I really want this!” I picked up her panties and slipped them back over her feet, and even though she was protesting she pulled them up, and her jeans up after it. I handed her her t-shirt. “I shouldn’t have said anything… I should have just been brave…”
“No,” I said, and my voice was harsher than I intended. “You should absolutely have said something.” I sighed, and sat beside her, pulled her to me, and she was crying, again, and I felt like a bastard, again. “Helen, your first time is something special. It should be something amazing with someone amazing. It shouldn’t be on the floor of a school stage, with someone twice your age. I promise you, you’ll thank me for this.”
I hugged her tight but her body didn’t believe me. “No,” she sobbed. “I’ve ruined everything, haven’t I?”
“You’ve ruined nothing and saved yourself a lot.”
“I don’t want to save myself! I want you!”
I pulled her face up to mine and already her eyes were puffy. “Please,” she said. “Please don’t do this. I’ll be brave, I won’t worry, you can do it, I promise. I’ll be good now.”
“Helen, you are good. You’re so good. You’re beautiful and kind and special and worth so much more than this.”
“But I’m not…” she cried. “This is everything I wanted…”
I pulled her to my chest, and I could feel her heart racing. “Please forgive me,” I said. “I’m a weak man, a stupid, reckless man. I should never have done this.”
“You should…”
I wiped her tears with my thumbs but she pulled away, and she was embarrassed, pulling her t-shirt down properly and pulling on her pumps.
“Let me take you home,” I said.
She shook her head. “I’ll walk.”
“Helen, please…”
“I thought you wanted me.”
Her words hit me in the gut. “My God, Helen, I do want you. This has absolutely no reflection on how much I want to do this.”
“But you won’t.”
“I can’t.”
She took off down the steps and gathered her things. “I hate being a stupid virgin. I hate it.”
“Don’t say that.”
“It’s ruined everything.”
“No, it hasn’t.”
“Yes it has! It’s ruined! I should have just found someone, just done it, I shouldn’t have been such a baby.”
I put my head in my hands, and I hated myself. I absolutely hated myself.
