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“Pixie.”
“She has another name,” Nan said. “That’s a nickname, just what Rowan calls her. But wait until she tells you herself, and don’t ever let Rowan know I told you there’s another name.”
He didn’t fully understand what he was agreeing to, but he nodded.
“Hello Pixie. That’s a pretty name. My name is Sean.”
The little girl laughed in delight.
A sense of loss overwhelmed him. He’d been kept out of the loop about a precious child who he should have known about. It hurt. He knew why, it was because he left here without saying goodbye. No messages. No forwarding address. Of course she’d kept it secret from him. It was Rowan, after all. A tougher, more stubborn woman he’d never met. And yet she was the woman he loved, the one he would stand by to the end, if she let him.
He lifted his head and looked at Nan, who was observing him with interest. “If I’d have known…”
Nan nodded. “Rowan was completely adamant. She didn’t want you to know. She kept it secret from everyone for the best part of five months. Even went out with a boy who was keen on her, for a while. The problem was she couldn’t bring herself to love him.”
“And then she did it alone.”
“Outside of us, yes.”
He could have kicked himself. Was there any hope of getting through this without rubbing everyone up the wrong way?
“Thank you,” he whispered, knowing it would never be enough just to say it. “I don’t know what to say, how to feel...”
“Give it time lad, it’ll show itself.”
It tore him apart to think of Rowan managing the situation on her own, when he would happily have been by her side. Wake up buddy, he told himself, could you really have handled it? Rowan was super strong though, of course she handled it. Pride filled him.
Whether he would have wanted to be part of it at the time was another issue, and if he was honest with himself he probably would have stayed by her side for the wrong reasons at first, remembering what his mother drummed into them before she passed on with cancer. Always step up to the plate for responsibilities, she’d said, look after your own. They were the last words he remembered his mother saying to him and Rory before the tumor and morphine filled her days and stole her away from them.
He was staring at a spot on the floor, his thoughts all over the place, when Pixie toddled into his line of vision. She’d made her way over and was now face-to-face with him, staring into his face—probably hideously frowning face. He lifted his head out of his hands and smiled.
She offered him her floppy bunny.
“Why thank you.” He took the offering and wiggled his ears, mimicking the bunny’s somewhat crazed expression. Pixie chuckled then ran off.
He glanced at Nan, who was resting up against the sink. “You never used to approve, I mean you and our parents.”
“Of course not. You were young and weren’t supposed to fall in love, that wasn’t the set up.” She gave a wry smile. “Your dad was very much the law maker, and he had a strict upbringing. To him it was black and white, no grey areas. You were siblings, it was wrong. Rowan’s mum is more mellow but she toed the line.”
“So, is it only because of Pixie you’re letting me spend time with Rowan now?” It was something that bothered him since he turned up. Gladys was sticking to her guns but Nan was obviously happy he’d turned up. With Rowan it was hard to tell, even though she’d let him get close the night before.
“It’s easier to look at things with a cool head in retrospect. You were too young to be in relationships, all of you, but being thrown together like that was bound to put temptation in your path. If your parents had met when you were little kiddies, it would have been a more natural merger.”
Pixie returned with a new toy and presented it to him. This one was a puzzle. He shifted the colorful shapes around and shrugged. Pixie moved the shapes while he held the object in one hand. “Too young for responsibilities, not too young to fall in love.”
“It’s obvious that you still do love her. We wondered.”
“She never left me in here.” He thumped his chest with his free hand, but couldn’t say more. Looking at the little girl made him feel strangely adrift.
“When we found out Rowan was pregnant we wondered if that was the reason you’d left.”
Shocked, Sean stared at her. “I hadn’t a clue. I didn’t even know she’d had a child till this morning.”
Nan seemed to accept it, but there was something else on her mind. “Why did you leave?”
“My dad, after they got married, he wanted us all to be respectable. He thought the way to make us do that was to rule us with his fists. We had to take Rory to the hospital, broken ribs.”
Nan sighed deeply and put her hand to her forehead. “If only you’d confided in us, maybe we’d have been able to talk to your dad, sort his head.”
