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"You feel her pain?"
"Yes.” As he looked into her shimmering eyes, he understood why she had asked that. “Is that what this is about? Is it necessary for me to feel her pain?"
"No,” she responded, smiling gently at him. “It was merely an observation. It wasn't even necessary for you to become emotionally involved, but your affection for Elishiba grows. You believe it will complicate things. I believe it will give you new strength, as it will her.” She paused. “Few great things are achieved without growth and pain, Amshazar. The passage toward love and happiness is rarely trouble-free. It involves sacrifice. Compromise. It involves feeling things that we perhaps do not want to feel, such as the pain that the one we care for feels."
Amshazar pressed his lips together, trying not to respond badly. Now was not the time for pronouncements of affection or doubt about the nature of love and its effects on his ability to think with clarity. “Forgive me, goddess, I am merely frustrated because I had begun to gain her trust. This has put a barrier between us."
"It has, but it is not insurmountable. That which you have forged cannot be undone. We cannot control how everyone here will behave. There are no guarantees, Amshazar. As hard as that may be, we are only here to guide, we cannot interfere further than that."
He nodded, his head lowering. She was right; he had been hotheaded and lacked caution, in the heat of the matter. “I understand."
"You are in a difficult situation, and you care for Elishiba. But I believe she is stronger than we had even suspected. The power was in her all along, all you have done is draw back the veil."
It was true. For those who studied the art of sorcery, it took time. The passage of many moons. Not so for Elishiba. Just as the magi leaders had suggested, there was something special about the Empress, something that had encouraged the gods to guide her. “Goddess, forgive me for my impertinence, but I sensed from the beginning you had some other motive here? Am I correct?"
"You are astute.” She smiled. “As you are probably aware, for the longest time I have fought for the women of the world to be allowed the chance to enter the Magi School, but the council would not entertain the idea. I have long been convinced women such as Elishiba would have natural talents in sorcery, that their female emotion would empower them. It is early yet, but Santor informs me of your fast progress. You have opened her eyes to the path."
"Yes. I was skeptical at first, but as soon as I met her, I saw it in her. She is naturally adept and has learned the way very quickly."
He frowned, unsure how he felt about the fact that the goddess was using Elishiba to prove her point with the council.
"Do not think badly of me, please. She is for me a test ... mayhap a way to prove my point, but what we teach can only help her."
As her words sank in and he realized how easily she could read him, he mustered the ability to create some distance between what he was feeling, and what was really happening. He saw that his emotions were bringing him confusion.
Was
this what love did to a man?
Apparently so.
It wasn't something he had ever considered, and he felt a wry sense of self-awareness when he realized what was going on. “Yes, Goddess,” he said, apologetically. “I do understand that, forgive my heated call for your guidance."
"Please, don't apologize. I wished to speak with you on this matter. Your timing was right and true. Go back to the encampment, Amshazar, because your protection and guidance will be needed there soon.” She opened her cloak and moved her hand in the direction of the dark side of the camp, shedding a fast-shifting beam of moonlight over the place where the animals were being kept.
"Keep the faith,” she added, “and all will be well."
* * * *
Kerr needed air, but he would not leave Elra's side until she rested.
When Elishiba returned, she and Yoshi called the sentries and they finally managed to withdraw the body from the tent, after Elra had swallowed all of the draft Yoshi prepared. She whimpered at the sight of the body of her twin being taken away, but was struck by a torpor too heavy to fight any longer. When she grew drowsy, Kerr moved from her side, covering her over with a blanket and leaving her under Yoshi's watchful eyes. He found that he grew dizzy when he stood up and moved around.
"I must get air,” he whispered to Yoshi.
She nodded, blinking softly, understanding him. “We will watch over her."
Kerr glanced back, unsure. She was still whimpering even in her sleep, her arms folded across her chest, her fingers clutching at herself as if part of it had been wrenched away, which, he supposed was what has happened to her. The thought of it sickened him again. Once again, bile rose in his throat. He'd held himself together for her sake, but now he walked to the tent flap; lifting it, he disappeared outside.
The air hit him with startling force as he walked away and he realized how oppressive it had been in there. He stopped and retched. Drawing the back of his hand across his mouth, he leveled himself and breathed deeply. Staggering between the tents, he moved away between them for a moment's solace. He walked and walked, and when his head cleared he found himself out where the animals were tethered. It was dark out here at the edge of the encampment.
Kerr cocked his head, listening, for something made him uneasy. The sound of distressed animals? He still felt light-headed when he moved, but he was compelled to follow the sound. He moved carefully, peering between the tents. After a moment he heard voices whispering—men, talking. One seemed to be instructing the other.
"Take the carcass beyond the camp and bury it deep,” the voice said.
Kerr was near the perimeter of the encampment, and he could see the outline of the beasts tied up nearby. There was movement in their midst. As his eyes grew accustomed to the gloom, he saw two men moving around in the moonlight, and he recognized both of them.
But it was the sight at their feet that captured his attention most of all. Amongst the animals—many of them mewling in distress—a young goat was laid out and pinned to the ground, its body cut open from end to end. The creature's entrails had been pulled out and wrapped around its own throat.
