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“Okay, I’ll be outside.” He looks at Graham and snorts, “Good luck, man.” And walks out.
I stare at the table and wait for Graham to speak.
He sits back down and slides his hand over my free one. I yank it back.
“Apollo, I’m so fucking sorry,” he says, his voice full of anguish.
I raise my head slowly to look at him. The pain in his eyes hits me like a fist in my chest. But I push it away. “What are you sorry for, exactly?” I ask him angrily.
“Everything. For tonight. For the last five years. For the two before those. For everything.”
“Everything? For lying to me? For making me think that you were fucking everyone but me because you wanted to? For not telling me how desperate you were so I could have tried to help you?”
He hangs his head. “Yes, for all of that, too,” he says quietly. He looks up, and the unshed tears in his eyes dissolve my anger like water poured off a lump of sugar. It seeps into the crevices and destroys the structure of it before it completely disintegrates. I watch him, my heart so full of sorrow for him that I can’t speak.
“Look, I know you’re disgusted by me. I know what I did was disgusting. I’m so ashamed of myself, Apollo. I don’t expect you to want to touch me again, or … whatever,” he says dejectedly, regret all over his face.
“Graham, I’m not disgusted by what you did for money. I mean, I wish you would have confided in me, so we could have found another way …”
His face hardens, and he stands up. The change in his demeanor is so swift that I lean back in surprise. “What other way? Were you going to give me the money?” He starts to pace, and I hate that I can’t get up and put my arms around him.
“Wait, no—”
“I couldn’t have found a job that paid what that did. And I wasn’t going to let my mother die.” He laughs, and it’s dark and humorless. It is slathered in a despair I now know has been eating him alive for years. I wish I had been able to kill Nanette.
“I wasn’t,” he repeats emphatically without looking at me. “I said no at first. I turned her down. And then, Mama took a turn for the worse. Suddenly, sex with strangers didn’t seem like such a high price to pay for my mother’s life. I agonized over what it would mean for you and me. I couldn’t touch you Apollo. Not when I was still doing … that.”
His anger loses its steam and he falls back into his chair, his broad shoulders sagging, his head hanging as he stares into his lap. I stare at his head and recall the day I saw him tied to that tree, so broken. I had left there on a mission. To do whatever I could to make sure he survived.
It did it. I got that letter into the mail.
He survived that and he—no, we, would survive this. But first, I had to give him some hard truths. Get some things off my chest, too.
“I was angrier than I’ve ever been in my life this morning, Graham,” I tell the top of his still bowed head..
“I’m so sorry,” he whispers his eyes not leaving the table.
“You should be.” I soften my voice, take away the anger because it has no place between us.
Not now.
“I hate that you experienced that all by yourself. That you felt like you couldn’t tell me. That you thought I’d leave you.” Tears clog my throat, and I have to swallow hard to push them back. “Do you think I wouldn’t do the same thing right now if it meant I could have my sister back? Would you leave me?” I ask him e
ven though I already know the answer.
“Never,” he says without hesitation and for the first time, meeting my eyes. The fierce love shining out of those stormy grays, puts the wind back in my sails.
“Of course, you wouldn’t. So, why do you think I would? Do you love me more than I love you?” .” I smile at the man whose big beautiful heart has held mine in a glorious snare for more than half my life.
“No ...”
“What? You’re only good for your body? Your face? If that’s what you think, then you’re missing out on the greatest parts of Graham Star Davis.”
He laughs without any humor. “You and Mama are the only ones who seem to think that. Nanette certainly didn’t think I—”
“She’s not fit to lick dog shit off your shoe.” I say in disgust and anger that is bubbling inside me. God. I wish I’d been the one to break her nose. If that waiter hadn’t tackled me…
He narrows his eyes at me and cocks his head to the side, “How did you know where she was? When you got out of the cab to ‘use the bathroom,’ you managed to find her really quickly,” he says.
