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“Actually guys…maybe a raincheck would be good. I’ve got…stuff.” I wave the envelope and hope they don’t make me explain.
I don’t miss the quick glances they exchange. I never choose anything over work.
Dane speaks for them. “You’ve been at it really hard this week. You could use a break, man.”
“Maybe get a workout in, too,” Dane mutters.
I look up to find them giggling like they’re a high school lunch table. “What’s funny?”
Heath manages to stop laughing first and clears his throat. “On his way out, your brother said if we wanted the studio to be in one piece tomorrow, we’d make sure you weren’t a no show at his hotel tonight.”
I laugh, too because that sounds so much like Jack. But there’s a pit in my stomach as I pack up my stuff and get ready to leave.
“Alright, I’ll see you tomorrow afternoon,” I call over my shoulder as I trudge toward the door.
“Maybe take a shower,” Lucas says with a straight face.
I sniff my armpit and grimace and Heath muffles a laugh by coughing.
“Fuck you,” I laugh, but don’t break stride until I’m outside. For the first time ever, I regret turning down the label’s offer of a driver. I tuck the letter into the inside of my jacket, hop on my bike and head back to my hotel.
Before I read her letter, I shower and shave for the first time in three days.
When I’m dressed, I sit down at my desk and slide my finger under the flap of the envelope and pull out the handwritten letter inside.
Carter,
I’m leaving for New York tomorrow. Can you believe I actually did it? I can’t. I’m sorry we’re not doing it together. I know we left each other’s hearts in shreds. But I don’t regret a single second of our time together. Not even what happened in the church. Meeting you filled holes life started drilling into me as a little girl. You looked at me and saw me in a way that no one else ever had. Except me. It’s because of the time I spent with you that I even think I can do this. That’s a gift that’s going to last me a lifetime.I’m going in search of the thing I’ve always longed for— freedom. I know everything I don’t want. I’d like to find out what I’d choose when I only have myself to consider. At least I already know that when it comes to men, I’m an excellent judge of character. Because when I had the freedom to choose one, I picked the best person I’ve ever met - you. Even now when it’s been so long, you’re still everything to me. I miss you. Your love is the most valuable gift I’ve ever received and I don’t want to give it back. I hope that one day, we’ll find a way to be in each other’s lives.Right now, though, I’m not ready to be everything else we are without the thing that’s at our core…I know you understand. I’ll be listening for the beautiful music I know you’re going to make. I hope you’re happy. I hope you have a lot of love in your life, and that you’re not settling for anything less than the amazing things you deserve. You restored my faith in people, in men, and in myself. I love you in every way it’s possible to love someone,
Beth
My heart breaks and mends with every sentence. By the time I’m done, I’m not sure if I want to laugh, cry, or howl at the moon. Holding this letter, reading the words that she wrote to me, imbued with all of her love and wisdom and honesty only sharpens the longing I’ve nursed since I walked out of that church.
I’ve imagined her signing her name with his last name at the end.
I’ve made myself sick with dread thinking of them alone in a house together, with nothing between her and him.
I hate him. No matter what choices Beth made, I know he’s not a good man. He was born with so much privilege. And he used it to make other people miserable.
Just like the man who spawned me.
My stomach turns queasy when I think about him. I take a deep breath to try to slow the sudden tripping sprint of my heart. There was a time, before I went to Winsome last summer where feeling this kind of anger scared me because I thought it was the burgeoning of something insidious.
I know better now. If there’s one good thing to come out of all this, it’s that I know how unimportant DNA is.
Yes, my biological father is a cruel cold man. I don’t know much about my mother, other than she loved him more than she loved me.
But, they aren’t my parents. And, I am not their son.
My character, my values, my moral compass were all shaped by the people who raised me, and by the choices I’ve made for myself.
I fold the letter in half and sit there feeling lighter than I have in a year.
This woman has the heart of a lion. She used the shitty hand she was dealt to inform the kind of life she didn’t want and now, she’s finally on her way to freedom.
I’ve been so afraid to talk about what happened that I’ve pretended this huge thing didn’t happen. I’ve refused to talk to a man who could be my brother in more than DNA alone. I’ve hurt my brother and best friend and I’ve lied to my family for months.
And I’ve lost touch with Beth.
