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“Good.” He walks to the door. “Now, when she comes back in here, you’re going to decline whatever bullshit surgery she was trying to push on you. When the time is right, I’ll find a doctor who knows what he’s talking about.”
He leaves the room without another word. I lie there, staring at the ceiling. My mind is raging.
If I wasn’t sure that meeting Carter was the worst thing to ever happen to me before, I am now.
If I had the power to turn back time, I would erase everything that came after that last night.
Before he made me promises he didn’t even wait a full week to break. If I hadn’t been so completely in love with him, I would have seen it coming. But, as it was, I didn’t. And the message he sent me on the Late Show was a vicious broadside.
It broke my heart, but it was the lack of closure that made it unbearable. What happened to change his mind? Or had the whole thing just been a lie?
These questions have plagued me, kept me up at night. I prayed that one day he’d come to explain, to tell me why he hurt me.
But as I lie here, alone and in peril because of him, I realize it doesn’t matter why.
It only matters that he did.
I was foolish to fall in love with a man I had no business even looking at.
It had been wishful thinking that made me see similarities where there were none.
His talents have been honed, mine just indulged. I was
flattered by his attention and completely forgot the order of the universe.
But who could blame me? He looked me in the eye and said he loved me. He left a piece of himself in the body he used and discarded, and because of him I’m facing decisions I’m not sure I'm equipped to make.
I catch a glimpse of my phone on my bedside and reach for it. If Jude was here she’d tell me not to do this. But she’s not, and I’m angrier than I ever remember being.
If I had everything he did—a family who loved me, nurtured and helped direct my talent—I wouldn’t go around breaking hearts for sport.
If he were here, I’d shoot him in the nuts and leave him as hopeless and empty as he's left me.
But he’s off living his rock star life. So, I’ll have to settle for having the last word. I type out everything I need to say, and press send. Then, I block his number, delete the contact and press the call button for the nurse's station and ask for Dr. Appiah.
Carter
Back Where I Started
“I think you paid already, man.” The delivery driver holds up the twenty- dollar bill I shoved into his hand when he handed me my food.
“Oh, keep it anyway.” He grins and is still waving when I close the door.
Less than two hours after I landed, I’ve poured myself a beer and scarfed down my beef Pad Kee Mao, the year- long vegan and alcohol- free diet I adopted when I was in LA, discarded as easily as the jeans I took off as soon as I walked through the door.
For the last three months I worked out every day, ate a protein heavy vegan diet prepared by a private chef my label hired. I learned to appreciate the dignified high that came courtesy of edible marijuana and even stopped drinking.
My dad was right. When I got to LA and began working with the band Scope records put together, my life took off in ways I hadn’t ever imagined.
It was a blur of jam-packed eighteen-hour days. The only time I was alone was when I was asleep. In between the countless photoshoots, interviews, appearances, rehearsals, and recorded sessions, I fucked.
Ready, willing and whenever you wanted it sex was one of the trappings of being a musician that’s even relatively famous. I went from being able to count my lovers on one hand to not even bothering to keep track. By the time we wrapped our album, it felt like Beth was out of my system.
But, back in my apartment and with only my thoughts and memories for company, Beth is all I can think about. And the text message she sent me this week. I rummage through my backpack, pull my phone out, and scroll until I find it.
The first message was a link to a clip of the interview I’d done. I’d avoided watching the playback, but figured it couldn’t hurt to take a look after all this time. I’d been wrong. I remember waiting for the question I knew was coming – and how eager I was to say the words I knew would make everyone else laugh, and her sorry. “No, the song isn’t about anyone. I’ve never been in love. But the beautiful women in this city make me think my luck is about to change.”
The text she wrote below the video made it clear my words had hit their target.
