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Because it would have been so easy to avoid.
Why didn’t I just fucking ask her?
Why was I so convinced the only plausible explanation was the one my eyes could fathom? I knew better than to connect dots when I didn’t know the full picture. Why didn’t I have the same faith in her she’d shown in me? Fuck.
No. I shake myself out of it. I can psychoanalyze myself later. Right now, I need to figure out how to apologize.
Not just for ghosting on her, but what I said on live television when I knew she’d be watching. My stomach churns when I remember that moment. She hadn’t done anything wrong; it must have hurt her terribly. I can’t turn back time, and I don’t deserve to. She’s clearly gotten on with her life and isn’t sitting around waiting for me. No, the only real loser here is me.
15
Beth
Stupid Choices
“We’re going to the bar, not a prayer circle,” my best friend, Dina bemoans as soon as I climb into her car.
“I don’t know what kind of church you attend in your fancy pants enclave, but this here is what a respectable young lady wears on a summer night.” I buckle my seatbelt and reach over to adjust the air conditioning vents.
“Why aren’t you wearing your monitoring device?”
“It’s too big. And why are you still being this way.”
“Because, Beth. Marriage is really hard to get out of. I just…I don’t understand. Duke? Of all people?”
“You’ve been gone a long time.”
“Yeah, we were supposed to leave together, remember?”
“We made that plan when we were sixteen. We’re almost thirty.”
“Nice to know you didn’t mean it.”
“I did mean it. I just didn’t realize how far-fetched it was.”
“It wasn’t far-fetched, and thirty isn’t old. We can still go. “
“And how will Wes feel about you running off to Paris with me every summer.”
She snorts. “I don’t care how he feels about much to be honest.”
“You don’t mean that,” I admonish.
“I guess. This move to New York just has me stressed.”
“I thought you wanted to move.”
She sighs and rests an elbow on the window sill as she navigates the road with one hand. “I did. Even after I found out you weren’t coming anymore, but I don’t know. I love him…but, I don’t think I should have married him.”
I’m shocked.
Dina’s been my best friend since sixth grade. In reality, besides my sister and brother, she’d been my only real friend. On paper, we couldn’t be more different from each other, but our love of adventure, our desire to see the world, which existed outside of Winsome bonded us. But it was the loss of our mothers that sealed our bond.
They moved here from Houston when I was in third grade. Because of Wolfe, new families moved to town all the time. But not ones that looked like hers.
Winsome is a lot of things, but diverse isn’t one of them. So, her family stood out like a sore thumb. Her father is Vietnamese. Her mother was from Guyana. At the age of ten, Dina was the tallest person in our class. And the most beautiful. So, the girls and boys hated her in equal measure.
I was too shy to approach her, and she didn’t seem to notice me at all.
