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I know that expression. It’s one of pure satisfaction and bliss.
“That’s how it felt. He’s… Oh, God. I don’t know…”
She groans and keels over in a mock swoon. “You don’t even have to tell me. It was amazing, right?”
“Yes. Yes, it was.”
“So…that means he’s the guy from that summer? The…” She looks meaningfully at my stomach.
Instinctively, I put a hand over my bellybutton. “Yes.”
“Holy shit.” Her eyes widen, and she blows out a breath. “Does he know what happened?”
I shake my head in vigorous denial. “No. And I don’t want him to.”
“I don’t know. Maybe it would be good for you to tell him.”
I shake my head vehemently. “No. I don’t think so.” I cover my breathless voice with a cough. “Can we go?”
I spent the ride home deciding how best to lay out my story about Duke. By the time I was brushing my teeth, my chest was aching with the weight of the story.
Dina finally comes out of the bathroom in her vintage South Park pajamas, a cheetah print sleep bonnet on her head, and her thick lensed black glasses sitting on the end of her nose.
“Is it hard being back here?” Dina asks as she crosses the room to the bed and lays down next to me.
Before Bethany died, we spent so much time here. This room was hers. Aunt Jude has redecorated the whole place since I was last here. The pink eyelet canopy bed and all the magazines and music posters that used to litter the shelves are gone. Only the small painting of her blue piano that I made for Bethany’s 18th birthday, still hangs over the small desk in the corner.
“There are a lot of memories. But I can’t cry about her without laughing, too.” We used to pretend we were twins whenever we met people who didn’t know us. I wore my hair long because hers was. When she died, I cut it short and wore it that way until I graduated from college and went to work for Wolfe.
“I miss them, too. All of them.,” Dina says. And I know she’s talking about her mother, too.
“You’d give anything to have her back, right?”
She nods, and closes her eyes.
“Me, too. It still feels impossible that I won’t ever see her again.” The first time I went to her gravesite, I laid in the still unsettled soil, crying and begging God to take anything else He wanted but to please bring my sister back. I knew it was impossible, but I meant it.
“Is that why you’re with Duke? Because it makes you feel close to her?”
I laugh in surprise at the question that morphs into a sob when I imagine what Bethany would say about what I'm doing. “No, that's not why.” I sit up and wait until she does, too. I need to tell you about that. I know you won’t tell anyone, but I signed an NDA, so you can’t tell Wes either.”
Dina puts her hand in mine and links our fingers. “I won’t tell a soul,” she says in a solemn voice.
Once I’m done telling her everything, she’s quiet for a long time.
“So? What do you think?” I nudge her knee with mine.
She scowls. “I think that even if I have to drug you, forge your signature, and then kidnap you, I’m not going to let you marry him,”
I throw my hands up in exasperation. “Did you not hear anything I said? You don’t understand what it’s like…being in my family.”
Her expression softens. “Oh, Lizzy, I only know what you and Phil shared, and that’s enough to know it wasn’t easy.”
“This agreement with Duke is my way out.”
She groans like she’s just been in impaled. “No, it’s not. Do you think he’ll let you go once he has the money?”
“Yes. Of course. It’s all he wants.”
