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Before I realize he’s standing and crossing the room. He pulls me into his arms.
My arms wrap around his waist of their own volition. My body molds perfectly to his, and my head tilts just so to rest on his chest. I can feel his heart thundering against mine. “I know you’ve moved on. But if there’s ever anything you need, say the word and I’ll drop everything to spend as much time as it takes to make sure you have it. Anything.”
God, my heart can’t take this again, and yet, I wouldn’t give this hug back.
He draws a hand over the back of my head like he’s trying to soothe me. “When I said I love you. I meant it. And I always will. Even if things between us are…whatever they are... that’s the truth.”
I can’t believe he’s doing this. Now. When it’s too late. I unwrap myself from the cradle he’s made of his body and push away.
“No,” I hold up a hand in warning when he takes a step toward me. “Words are easy. And meaningless from that silver tongue of yours. You don’t keep promises to anyone. Not even yourself. So, stay away from me,” My voice breaks on the last word. I kick up my heels and get the hell out of there before he starts talking again.
I don’t stop at the circulation desk to drop off the key. I can’t wave, or smile, or speak. I can barely breathe. I keep my eyes straight ahead and focus on getting out of there.
I cross the tree-lined street and climb into my car. Despite the canopy of shade the leaves provide, the afternoon sun has turned its dark leather interior into a sauna. But, I don’t roll the dark tinted windows down. It’s bad enough I made a fool of myself in front of him; but I’d die if anyone else saw it. I can’t hold in the deluge of hot, angry tears one second longer.
How dare he show up offering me everything I want when I can’t say yes.
I thought I wanted him to be sorry. Now, I wish it had all been a game to him. It’s so much worse knowing we did almost have it all. I wish he’d never come back.
My heart, as if in protest, gives a painful tug.
Oh, shut up. This is all your fault.
“Damn. You do not fuck up small, do you?” Dina crows around a mouthful of salad. She wags her fork at me. “You ran from the inquisition straight into the executioner’s arms. Damn.” She chuckles and shakes her head.
“You don’t have to look so damn pleased. I’m sorry I told you.” I throw my napkin at her.
She catches it, wipes the corners of her mouth with it, and grins “I can’t help it. That was the most satisfying vicarious sex I’ve ever had. And now I know I’ve been lusting after the wrong brother.”
“You’ve been lusting after his brother?”
“Oh yeah, I watch his show.” She fans herself and closes her eyes. “Jack Bosch is so hot. He’s got this whole unattainable asshole thing going…ugh.” She bites her lip and throws her head back. “I rub one out at least twice an episode when I’m alone,” she adds conspiratorially.
I wrinkle my nose. “Eww. I could have lived my whole life without knowing that.”
She laughs without a hint of shame and waggles her eyebrows. “Carter’s been out of the spotlight for a while. I’d forgotten how male and sexy and brooding he is. He could get it.” She winks and gives me a knowing smile.
A pang of possessive annoyance makes me want to throw something. At myself. “Well, knock yourself out.”
She scoffs. “Beth, it’s obvious from the way he looked at you, that you’re all he sees.”
It’s pathetic how happy it makes me to hear that. I shake my head and pick up my fork. “He’s not mine.” I stab my salad and frown.
“So, you’re really ready to let him go?” she asks, looking at me from under her dark lashes.
“Honestly? I didn’t realize how much I was holding on to him,” I admit the truth I’ve been grappling with since I left him at the library.
“Seeing him brought it all back.”
I nod miserably. “It’s like no time has passed at all. We have a real connection. He makes me laugh when I’m angry. He makes me think. He makes me feel. And it doesn’t matter where we are, I can’t keep my hands off him. We fucked in a lake full of people the summer we met.”
“You what?” she gasps.
“I know,” I agree with a glum sigh. I put my fork down and push my plate away.
Dina puts her fork down, too. “Are you insane?”
“No—”
