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When he fails to say anything, I start to grab my things. This seems to snap Simon out of whatever trance he’s in.
“Addie, I’m sorry… let me… let me call you a cab.” He still has not looked at me. Instead he is scrolling through his phone and then turns his back to me as he shoots off a text.
He then turns around, finally deigning to look me in the eye. “We have a few of Ashley’s clothes in a box, I am sure I can find you a sweater to throw on.” Without another word, he strides from the room, leaving me alone with his brother and my shame.
I am helpless to do anything but sink into one of the dining room chairs, holding my face in my hands. Kyle drops down in the seat across from me. If he senses my distress, he doesn’t seem bothered by it. He is almost giddy as he asks with a waggle of his eyebrows, “So, you and Simon…”
I scoff at him “No. He is my client. I was dropping off a document.” I hope my short, clipped response will preclude any further conversation. It doesn’t.
“Really. So what business are you in, then? Are you a professional dry humper?” he deadpans.
I don’t even have the opportunity to try to hold back the bark of laughter his quip elicits.
“No, Kyle, I am not. If you have questions, ask your brother.”
Simon walks back into the room with a light pink, cable knit sweater in his hands. He’s avoiding my eyes again as he hands it to me.
“There’s a bathroom right off the sitting room, you can change in there.” He hands me the sweater and turns away from me before I can respond. Any warmth I felt from our earlier embrace, or my interaction with his brother is completely gone. I thought he was embarrassed, but now I can tell he’s pissed and I am not sure why.
I snatch the sweater with a curt, “Thanks,” and head to the bathroom to change while praying the taxi gets here immediately.
When I come out of the bathroom, Simon is standing by the front door, with it open, holding my bags. My eyebrows shoot up in shock and hurt.
“Your cab was only few blocks away. By the time you get downstairs they will be waiting.” And if he had put his boot in my back and pushed me out of the door, it couldn’t have felt any more insulting.
Kyle’s not in the kitchen or dining room, and I am relieved he’s not there to witness this humiliating treatment. I grab my things from Simon and walk past him into the hallway.
Just as I think he’s letting me leave without a word, he grabs my bicep to stop me, and I turn to look at him. His eyes meet mine, and he searches my face as if he is trying to capture it in his memory.
My anger, embarrassment, and sadness combine forces and pull tears into my throat. When he doesn’t say anything, I start to pull my arm free.
Only then does he whisper, “Addie. I’m sorry.”
And then he lets go of my arm, steps back into his apartment, and closes the door behind him.
I walk down the stairs slowly. I feel drained and humiliated. Hurt and confused. Nothing with Simon is ever what I expect. I don’t know if Simon is crazy or if I am. I resolve to myself, as I walk to the cab that is waiting for me at the curb, that this is the last time I’m putting myself in his crosshairs.
September 18, 2014
Back at work, I am playing catch up. I was able to work at home, but there are some things that need to be done at the office. I spend most of my day in the drafting room, working on getting the plans for the new entry way arches sketched and drawn.
I am grateful for the amount of focus it requires. I spent a sleepless night thinking about Addie’s visit. I know I treated her horribly when she was leaving, but, I was coming out of my skin. I thought I was going to scream or throw something if she didn’t leave right away.
I couldn’t believe what I had done. I had been about to fuck Addie on my dining room table—with Henry sleeping in the next room and with Kyle about to walk in at any moment.
I thought back to the many chaotic nights of my childhood. When I fell asleep to the sounds of my mother with some man in her bedroom. Of how it made me feel to listen to that. I think about what happened to Kyle and Ashley, and I have to fight to hold my breakfast down.
I was about to act with the same reckless disregard as the people who I despised more than anyone else, and it made me feel like scum.
I think about my brother and sister and everyone I’ve let down, and I know I am doing the right thing. That Addie could make me forget myself enough to behave in such a way makes her dangerous. I have to stay away from her.
When I was getting her the sweater from Ashley’s pile of stuff, I could hear her laughing with Kyle, and it sounded like something I could get used to. And I knew she had to go. So when she was changing I sent Kyle to get something from the store for Henry so I could get Addie out while he was gone.
The flash of hurt in her eyes when she came out of the bathroom and saw me standing at my door holding her things made me want to beg her to forgive me.
This couldn’t be a bigger clusterfuck if I had tried to make it one. This woman has got me tied in knots. I want her so badly I am at war with myself to avoid her. But Henry deserves to grow up with someone who puts his needs first.
As I step out of the drafting room, I walk into the hallway and smack dab into the subject of my thoughts. Her soft body rams straight into mine, and it kills me to feel how she stiffens and pulls away when she realizes it’s me.
