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I try to disengage my arm, but she holds on tightly. “I was not. I said he looked familiar, I was trying to place him.” Everyone, including my mother, laughs out loud. I roll my eyes at them.
I am sticking to this lie. I know no one believes me, but I don’t care. I have spent the last thirteen years of my life working to get to the place I am at now. I am not chaste, I’ve had lovers, but no one serious and no one who I care to see again. I’ve been on a mission to fulfill those promises. I haven’t had time for distractions and I certainly don’t want to lose my focus now that I’ve finally gotten to where I want to be. I’ve always been very good at keeping people at arm’s length. But, I can tell he would be challenge.
With just one look at Simon a million questions leap to my mind. Who is he? What is his last name? Where is he from? How does he know Louis? All of that sends warning bells clanging through my brain.
This is dangerous. Lingering means feelings, and feelings mean pain when they walk away from you or betray you.
I glance back at my mother who stopped with Anthony to tie his shoe lace. I won’t ever let myself be like her. I am not saying I’ll be alone, but I don’t want to be with anyone who can make me feel like I want to give up everything for him. I don’t want someone whose presence will linger when he is gone.
I catch up with Cara who is walking ahead of us. I shake off the wistfulness threatening to ruin my mood. I’ll probably never see him again anyway.
July 24, 2014
My family is leaving tomorrow and I have very mixed emotions about it. I’ve loved spending time with my sisters. Yet, watching them with my mother, seeing that they have mended what chasms existed in their relationships, makes me feel like an outsider in my family.
My mother and I have tiptoed around each other the entire trip. We’ve been cordial, but not much more than that. Tonight, we are eating at my flat. It’s small, but I’ve got a dining room table that seats six people, and I’ve ordered in some Indian food.
We are talking about the amazing day we’d spent touring Buckingham Palace and gossiping about the Royal family. We are actually having a really nice time.
Anthony fell asleep an hour ago and is tucked into my bed. My Spotify is set to the Feeling Good station and Bill Withers’ “Lovely Day” comes on just as we are finishing up.
My mother leans back in her chair, eyes closed, and says in a dreamy voice I haven’t heard from her since I was a little girl, “Your father loved this song. We used to dance to this in our kitchen when we were first married.”
If she had poured a bucket of ice cold water on my head it wouldn’t have been as chilling as her words.
No one responds, and I glance around the table to find my sisters watching me. As if I was the one who needed watching. My clothes suddenly felt too tight, I can feel tension in my neck and shoulders that hadn’t been there a minute ago.
I have to get out of this room. “I’m going to get more wine.” I stand up and walk into the kitchen.
My hackles rise as I hear a chair scrape back and the fall of feet following me into the kitchen. I steel myself for the coming confrontation.
My mother’s hand reaches out to touch my shoulder. It’s a reflex when I shrug her hand off.
“Addie. Why are you so angry with me? I don’t understand. I tried, so hard once your dad was gone, to give you girls as normal of a life as I could. You treat me like I’ve wronged you. Please, tell me.”
I turn to face her, incensed by her words.
“Normal? What was normal about our lives? Normal would have been a mother who was angry on behalf of her daughters. Daughters who had been wronged and abandoned by their father! Normal would have been a mother who shed one single fucking tear after her husband ruined thousands of lives and left her to face the music alone.”
She inhales sharply. I’ve never cursed in her presence, much less at her. I am breathing hard, trying to force back the emotions my speech has brought to the surface.
“Addie! What in the world are you saying? What are you doing?” Milly is in the kitchen now, standing at our mother’s back, her face a mask of muted rage.
“What Milly? What? Should I not tell the truth? I am angry with her. You and Lilly were gone. You left me alone with her!”
“Addie, we left for college. We didn’t just leave you. Listen, we all struggled when he left. Please, let’s just have a nice final night together,” Milly pleads, the look in her eyes one of desperate imploring.
“You struggled? That’s rich, Milly. You were gone less than a year after we moved. And you are just like her. Married before you could even figure out who you are. You’ve given up your life, too. No wonder you’re defending her!”
My mother grabs the counter as if she can’t stand on her own anymore. My rage is freed now though, and I can’t contain it. I take my eyes, full of fire and pain, off Milly and turn back to my mother.
r /> “You acted like our lives hadn’t been shattered. I couldn’t even express my own hurt because you kept saying “he’s your father”. As if that meant anything! Fathers don’t leave their daughters to pay for their crimes. Fathers don’t leave without saying goodbye! Fathers don’t act like their children matter less than money!”
“Addie…you’re being unfair.” My mother chokes out.
“Don’t talk to me about fair. Don’t talk to me about anything. You made your choice. You gave up your life for him. And even when he left you in total disgrace, you continue to live for him.” I am almost screaming at this point, my finger jabbing the air in her direction.
My mother, who has barely ever raised her voice at me walks up to me and slaps me square across the face.
