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October 10, 2014
I have been working out of my firm’s office again and the distance has really given me time to think about that train ride with Simon.
I love that he was trying to cheer me up on the platform. Less than five minutes before, I had been struck by how lonely I was. And then he’d shown up out of the blue, and I was actually really glad. It was nice to have a conversation with him I’d hoped to have with my sisters. It left me feeling like I wanted to have more conversations with him. I want more with him in general.
He’s obviously got a lot on his plate. It doesn’t make up for the way he has treated me, but I see the size of his heart. I can see he is someone who loves his family enough to stay when things are hard.
I don’t know what it is about me that has made him want to keep his distance and to push me away whenever things get hot between us. What I do know is that he is making an effort to push me away. He doesn’t want to. I can see it. I can feel it. It only makes his rejection more infuriating.
So, I’ve taken the last few days to get some space between us and to spend time with Cara before she leaves.
Speaking of Cara, she was currently in my closet trying to find the tiniest shirt and the tightest jeans she can.
October in London isn’t freezing cold, but it was chilly and often rainy, but we are going dancing and it’s going to be hot.
I am ready to let my hair down. I want to drink, dance, and forget my woes. I only asked Cara for one thing—no men. Seriously, I couldn’t handle it.
My feelings about Simon are totally fucking with my head, and I don’t need another single thing to worry about right now.
I also wanted to enjoy Cara for the last few weeks I had her to myself in London.
We’ve been spending a lot of time together. Mostly just talking. She challenged me to think about what I really love doing and what makes me happy. It has made me think hard about what I would be doing if hadn’t spent my life running from my father’s legacy and my mother’s choices.
I am not sure that I know the answer to that just yet. I know I’ve run to the law as a way to provide stability for my future, and that my choice of career has been very focused on making money, on not being in the position of needing to rely on a man to provide for me.
But what I’m doing is soulless. I mean, it’s great to be part of the historic project, but my role has nothing to do with the actual heart of the project.
When I think about the ways the law can actually be useful, I think about how ignorant my mother was about our family’s finances and how easy it was for the courts to strip her of everything because she couldn’t afford a good lawyer. I want to find a way to volunteer my time to women who need good advice, but can’t afford it.
I’ve reached out to several clinics and talked to Jack about the firm starting a Pro Bono initiative. He didn’t seem that excited about it, but he didn’t say no.
Either way, it’s time to start living. I know that means I’ve also got to confront the stuff with my father, but that is for another night.
Tonight is all about feeling good. I’m getting dressed up. My makeup is heavy with smoky eyes and nude lips.
I am wearing my favorite pair of True Religion skinny jeans, a pair of plum colored Givenchy pointed toe booties with a four-inch heel, and a slinky, halter neck top which is completely backless.
Cara is in a tiny black dress and impossibly high black heels. Her blond hair is loose, and hangs down her back while her lips are red and sumptuous. She looks gorgeous.
I throw my vintage leather jacket on and we run out of the door to our waiting cab.
r /> We are going to this new hip place that has a restaurant upstairs and night club downstairs. It’s the hottest ticket in town, but Cara knows the owner, of course, and got us a table with no trouble.
When our cab pulls up, we walk straight into a very crowded, red walled room. You can feel the music pumping from the club downstairs and the lights are casting psychedelic shadows across the rooms.
I leave my jacket at the coat check and immediately regret my choice of top. I feel dozens of eyes on my back as we cross the room. I am already anxious to be done with dinner and in the relative safety and anonymity offered by the dark dance club downstairs.
As we approach our table, Cara grabs my hand. “Don’t freak out, I just wanted you to have a nice time.”
I look at her. “What the hell are you talking about?”
She nods toward the table we are approaching. I follow her prompt. Who is sitting there? No one other than Louis and Simon.
I think if this happened a week ago, I would have been pissed. But tonight I am glad to see him. This is actually great. I need to have a great time. I am insanely attracted to him. I know he wants me, too.
He doesn’t look the least bit surprised to see me. So, he must have known I was coming and here he sits. He looks slightly apprehensive which bolsters my confidence.
I smile brightly at both him and Louis, and they both stand as we reach the table. I lean forward and press a kiss to Simon’s cheek and then to Louis’.
