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“Oh, God, Simon. Do you need to stop talking?” I ask him. I want to reach out and hug him, but I don’t know what to do. What he wants me to do. The anguish I feel emanating from him is killing me.
“No, I want to get this out. I’ve never told anyone these details. Not even Mercy.” He takes a deep breath before he continues.
“When the motherfucker saw me, he jumped off Kyle and charged me. I was ready for him, almost the size I am now and full of rage induced adrenaline. I knocked him out flat. I called the police and while I was waiting for them, I gathered Ashley up and got her dressed. Kyle was already dressed and was begging me not to tell anyone what I’d seen. Ashley was in shock. She was crying, but didn’t say a word. I asked Kyle what happened—how he ended up alone at home.” His hand balls into a fist.
“He said Mercy had been called into work, so they had come home. They had walked in on him and our mother having sex. The pervert tried to convince mum she should let them join in, but she’d balked. They went to her room and Kyle thinks they took more hits of whatever drugs they were using because next thing he knows, he was carrying our mother, barely conscious, out of the bedroom. He’d grabbed Ashley by her hair and pulled her into the room. Kyle ran in after them, but he was still so small. The bastard pinned him down, held a knife to his throat, and made Ashley undress. He told her he was going to kill Kyle if she didn’t.”
I feel like I am going to be sick. Simon’s tone is flat and almost robotic as he recounts his nightmare.
“Then he turned his attention back to Kyle which is when I came in. The police took the asshole and my mother away. She has been in jail ever since. She was charged with child endangerment and criminal possession of a controlled substance.” His expression is full of disgust.
“Given it was her third offense, her sentence was long and stiff. We all immediately went into care. Kyle and Ashley were together for a while, but Kyle got into Harrow, too, and we both were boarders. Ash
ley…” His voice breaks and his eyes are glassy with tears. “Ashley was never really the same. She was angry, withdrawn, and ran away frequently. Five years ago, she disappeared and no one had seen her until she showed up pregnant with Henry. She is in prison now, too.”
He rubs his hand over his face and leans back on the couch.
“She has refused to see us since she has been in there. She won’t even see Henry. I’m his guardian for now, but we are moving to full adoption, as soon as her parental rights are terminated. She initiated it two months ago.”
He looks up at me, his eyes full of pain. “I failed her, Addie. Now she is lost to us.” He looks away in shame.
At this I sit up and grab his hand. “Simon, look at me,” I demand. I know my voice is hard, but I need him to hear what I have to say.
“You did not fail her. You had a mother whose job it was to look after you all, and she didn’t. You were just a kid. You did the best you could for both her and Kyle by going to school every day to try make sure their future wouldn’t be as hard as their past.” I speak with all of the vehemence I can muster.
“You stepped up to take care of Henry when most people wouldn’t have. None of what happened to Kyle and Ashley is your fault. But you can take credit for what has happened since. I met Kyle, he seems like a really happy, young man.”
“He is.” Simon’s voice fairly bursts with pride as he agrees with me. “He’s finishing his Masters at UCL, and he will be graduating with honors. He took his therapy really seriously and has done his work. Sometimes I think he’s more okay than I am.” The last part is accompanied by a chuckle.
“Is this why you pushed me away?” I ask him tentatively, not wanting to change the subject but needing to know.
“Yes and no,” he says soberly. “Addie, I didn’t know if I could handle being with someone and being there for my family. The first time I came to your place, Henry got hurt. I felt like it was a sign. I felt like my mother. Getting my rocks off while the person who depends on me actually needed me.”
He stands up, breaking the contact of our joined hands. He starts to pace the office.
“I wanted you. Hell, more than that, I needed you. From the first time we met, I looked at you and felt like I could see a story in your eyes. One that was as sad as mine and I wanted to know it.” He stops in front of the door and leans back against it to look at me
“I’ve spent the last fifteen years blaming myself for what happened to Kyle and Ashley. I’ve told myself if I had been more present it wouldn’t have happened. I know it’s not true, but it’s how I feel.”
He starts to pace again.
“Then you were at my office, and I felt like I was being punished, seeing you every day, but not being able to touch you, especially after having already touched you, knowing what you taste like—it was torture. When you showed up at my house that day, I knew I shouldn’t have, but you are a temptation I just can’t resist.” His eyes close on that memory and his smile is wry and brief.
“Then Kyle walked in and all I could think was this is what happened to him all those years ago, and that I was behaving like those despicable people. I know I treated you terribly that night. I am so sorry. Sorrier than I can say. I just totally freaked out.”
He walks back to the couch then sits down again. “But that night changed things for me. Kyle confronted me about the way I’ve been living. He showed me the insanity of denying myself a chance with you.”
I burst out laughing at that. Thinking about the parallels our lives have taken in the last couple of weeks.
“What’s so funny?” He looks amused rather than annoyed at my laughter.
“It’s just that Cara gave me the same lecture last week. Telling me I need to stop letting my past dictate my future.” I yawn and look at my watch. It was almost 1am.
“You’re tired?” He reaches a hand up to stroke my hair. I nuzzle into the palm that is caressing my head. We move towards each other at the same time and my head lands in the crook of his neck and my arms go around his waist.
“I am exhausted… mentally, emotionally. But physically, I’m still where we were an hour ago.” I mumble this into his neck and hope he gets the hint.
He pulls back to look at me, his eyes dark and penetrating. “I want to take you home. Will you let me?”
