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“What?” Her happy retort shocks me out of my piteous mood. “How is any of what I told you wonderful?”
“Addie, for the last thirteen years you’ve been focused on one thing: Denying your heart any joy. You’ve seen happiness as a sign of weakness, and you’ve shunned it at every turn. You’ve scorned anyone who has chosen it, too.”
I start to protest at this, but she cuts me off.
“Ah, ah, ah… it’s true. I’m your mother, Adelaide, and I can say these things to you.”
I smile at this.
“I know you judge me for not speaking out against your father. I know you judge me for not having a career of my own and for only being your mother. It’s okay. I understand. I am proud of you. If my perceived failures have been your fuel, I am glad. You are such a brilliant woman. You have accomplished so much.” She pauses to take a breath before continuing.
“I want to tell you something about myself, Addie. By the time I met your father, I had already begun my career. I wanted to continue practicing law after we got married, but I also wanted to be present for my children. Your father was gone so much, I decided you would have at least one parent who was available. And I will never regret this.”
“Look at what happened. What would our lives had been if I had been as busy as your father was? When he disappeared, who would have cared for you? What if I had been as much of a stranger as he was?”
“I know you were angry with me, but at least I was here. I could deal with your anger, Addie, but I could never have borne to have not known you well-enough to know the root of it.”
“When you have your own children you will see there is nothing they could do that can stop you loving them. You will suffer every hurt they inflict on you and welcome them back with open arms because they are your babies.”
“And similarly, I loved your father. When I met him, I was a young lawyer with stars in my eyes. I thought he walked on water. He was so handsome, charismatic, and smart and he swept me off my feet.” Her voice is wistful and soft as she continues.
“I fell head over heels in love with him. He read me poetry, bought me rare books and flowers. He really courted me.” She pauses to giggle. “And when we got married, we promised each other so many things. Even though he disappeared and left us, to this day, I know he meant every single one of those things as much as I did. And it is that knowledge that sustains me. I wish for all of my children that kind of love and certainty.”
“So when you, my most stubborn and resistant child, tells me you have fallen in love, I think it is wonderful.”
I am speechless. My mother has never said so much in one conversation. I’ve only ever thought of her as a mother. I had forgotten that she is a woman, too. I feel a fresh wave of shame wash over me.
“Mommy, I am so sorry.”
“Addie, you don’t have to apologize to me. Just tell me all about this young man and why in the world, if you love him, you’re somewhere he is not. And then, I want you to tell me you’re going to rise to face whatever challenge is keeping you apart.”
I sit back and tell my mother the story of us. By the time I hang up, I have a plan and a renewed sense of purpose.
December 18, 2014
Today, I’ve handed in my resignation at LaSalle and Willis. I have given them two weeks’ notice, and they have been very gracious, and I think secretly grateful, in accepting my resignation.
I contacted A Woman’s Worth, the non-profit I volunteered with in London to see if they would consider taking me on staff. They’ve told me they were not in a position to do so at this time, but they did know of a large Domestic Violence Prevention organization that is looking for assistant General Counsel. They have put me in touch with them, and I have an interview with them in London in two days.
I still have had no word from Simon, and I can’t fucking reach Cara to get his number from Louis. I don’t know where in the world those two have disappeared to, but it is making me crazy.
It doesn’t matter. When I’m back in London, I am going straig
ht to Simon’s apartment, and I won’t leave until he at least agrees to hear me out.
He told me he loved me. I know he meant it. If I have to camp out on his doorstep I will.
It’s the end of the day, and for the first time since I started working here, I am leaving the office early enough that I don’t need to call a car service.
I feel light, free, and hopeful.
New York City is already in Christmas’ embrace and awash with lights and wreaths.
I am enchanted as I leave our midtown offices.
This is my first time living in this city, and its vibrancy is intoxicating. London, for all its cosmopolitan glamour, has a bit of a small town feel. There is nothing small town about New York City. It is big and loud. It’s a concrete jungle and you can feel the possibilities just teeming around you. And yet, I yearn to be back in London. It feels like home.
I step out onto 5th avenue and make my way toward 42nd street, the noise—the taxi horns, the brakes squealing, the music blaring, the people chattering, and the cold assail me. I turn my collar up, put my headphones in, and start walking.
