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“Milly, it’s not that simple . . .” I start feeling a prick of guilt rising as I realize how, when laid out the way she has, what I’ve done and said sounds terrible.
“Really? Seems pretty simple to me,” she says her voice losing all of its ice and instead sounding like an erupting volcano. She shouts at me, “You’re not God, Dean. You don’t get to manipulate people’s lives because you’ve been hurt by something. You didn’t have the right to do this to me.” She sounds equal parts irate and wounded.
My stomach drops and my guilt amplifies.
“Milly, I'm sorry,” I start.
“Oh, I’m sure you are, Dean. But let me tell you something and I want you to hear me. If I had the tiniest clue that your mother wasn’t speaking for you that night, wild horses wouldn’t have kept me away. But when that call ended, I felt like I had lost everything. My father disappearing was terrible, my mother retreating into a shell was painful. But knowing that I didn’t have you anymore, that debilitated me. I felt like I had lost everything when I thought I’d lost you, too. So, yes, I got on with my life and tried to carve out a life that I thought I could live with.”
She pauses and I try to interject “Milly . . .”
“No, Dean. You need to listen because if I have anything to say about it, this is the last time you will hear my voice.”
My scalp prickles with apprehension. I couldn’t speak if I wanted to.
“I did love you, but I needed to try and find a way to survive. That night after I spoke with your mother, I lost a part of myself. I meant it when I said I was happy to see you. Seeing you again was like getting a lost part of myself back. Almost instantly. But the way you have acted tonight, your cruel manipulation of my life has stolen it again. I’m done being a pawn in people’s games. I’m done letting people take their pound of flesh and leaving me bleeding. You can’t have that.” She straightens her spine and wipes her face. And then she turns to look at me. “I'm not letting you have any more of me. You have no idea what I’ve lived with the last ten years. Do you think you’re the only one who felt abandoned?” Her voice shakes and she clears her throat and continues.
“Tomorrow, I’ll call Cristal and tell her I can’t accept the commission. I wouldn’t work for you if it was the last job on earth.” Her voice drips with disgust. Without another word, Milly opens the now unlocked door, gets out and walks away. Out of my life. And this time, I let her go.
9
* * *
It’s been more than a week since my whole life seemed to have exploded. Again. In one day, I saw Dean, fell in love with him all over again, and then had my heart broken to a million pieces by him. Again. The day after our disastrous run in, I woke up clutching the ring around my neck. I had dreamed of when he gave it to me. It was crystal clear, like it had happened yesterday and not fifteen years ago.
“Milly, wait up!” Dean calls to me as I rush the hall. I hunch my shoulders and walk faster. I’m even more irritated. He must have been waiting for me. I walked the long way to class to avoid him.
I can hear him muscling his way through the crowd and people calling after him, wanting him to stop and talk. I wish he’d just leave me alone. I can feel him approach me from behind and I stop. I need to get this over with and clearly he won’t leave me alone until we talk. He must have been running because he collides into my back.
“Shit. Sorry, Red,” he says as he steps back from me. I turn around to face him, my eyes blazing in anger.
“Dean, what do you want? I am trying to get to study hall,” I snap.
“What do I want?” he asks in exasperation; He looks equally as angry.
“You’re not serious.” He shakes his head in disbelief.
I tip my chin up and set my jaw. “Yes, I am very serious.”
“Milly, you left my game without speaking to me, you haven’t answered your phone all weekend, and you didn’t call me back once. You missed our Monday breakfast. And now you’re asking what I want? What the hell is going on?” He doesn’t say any of this quietly, so people stare at us as they walk by.
I grab his arm and pull him down the hallway, toward the lunchroom which is deserted and quiet.
I turn on him and let him have it.
“Dean, I saw you after the game. With Amanda.” He pales and takes a step back. That only makes me angrier.
“Yes, I saw you. You were all tangled up and you didn’t seem to be bothered with where I was, then.”
“Milly, no. That’s not what . . .” he starts to interrupt, but I am on a roll.
“Of course this happens the day after I told you I wanted to wait for us to have sex. You said you understood, but then you were acting all funny before the game.” I feel tears fill my eyes and I grow even more upset because I don’t want him to see me cry.
“Red, listen to me . . .” he starts again, taking a step toward me. I take a step back, and I feel tears spill down my cheeks.
“I thought Amanda was my friend. I thought you were my boyfriend. But you two were hugging like you were the ones in love.” I end on a sob.
Dean takes advantage of the break in my voice to speak. “Red. Stop and listen, please. Yes, I was hugging Amanda. She hugged me too. And yes, I was on edge before the game. But I was nervous about seeing you later. I bought you something after we talked the day before. And I wanted to surprise you. So, I had Amanda hold on to it for me during the game and she was only giving it back to me and saying how excited she was for you to see it.” He is talking so fast, that it takes my brain a minute to register what he is saying.
