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I hop in the shower and start to wash off days of sleep and sweat. After I’ve rinsed off, I stand under the spray and I think about Dean. He’s been taking care of Anthony. He has been staying in my house and watching my son while I’ve been sick.
A part of me isn't surprised. He has always been a caring person. But, another part of me is dismayed. He’s a virtual stranger to me now. And our last interaction was far from friendly.
The last time I thought about him properly, all I could muster was hurt and disappointment. Those emotions are still there, but now I also feel a sense of gratitude and comfort that he’s here.
My hands skim my torso as I think about him in the shower. My hand caresses the ring that sits on the same long chain as the pendant my parents gave me. My hand brushes my nipple as I play with the necklace and the sensation makes me moan. It’s been so long since my body has been this responsive. That kiss with Dean in his car awakened something. I think about Dean stroking himself while he said he was thinking of me and my clit starts to hum. His body is incredible. There was no mistaking the invitation in his eyes and words, and part of me wishes we didn’t have so many issues between us because it’s been years since I was this aroused.
I pluck my nipples with one hand as the other travels between my legs. I begin to rub my clit as I imagine Dean’s hands on my body instead of my own. His fingers, calloused from playing lacrosse, would be rough as they explore me. I imagine his mouth on my nipples. Sucking and licking them and my fingers speed up.
Even though my body still feels weakened from the flu, I also feel empowered in my ability to find pleasure on my own terms again.
One hand on my breast and the other between my thighs as I think about his hand wrapped around himself. I close my eyes and picture the invitation in his eyes and I come, so unexpectedly I don’t have time to think about muffling my cry of pleasure.
I lean against the shower wall as I come down from my orgasm. I haven’t done this in so long, but I also can’t remember the last time I was inspired to.
As I step out of the shower, I feel clean but tired. I can feel the strain on my lungs as a cough racks my body.
I need to talk to Dean and figure out what’s going on. I just hope I’ll find the strength to ask him to leave. He can’t stay. My desire for him, not just his body but his company, is too strong.
Yet, at the same time, I feel like I don’t know him anymore and my thoughts about him now are being conflated with memories of who he used to be.
My heart skips a beat when I think about that time in my life. We were so in love. We thought we could conquer the world as long as we had each other.
Suddenly, I’m so tired, I’m not sure I can finish getting dressed. But, I must. Dean and I need to talk and don’t have much time before I need to leave to get Anthony.
We are not who we used to be. But, right now, I wish we were because I know I never stopped loving Dean. I know the reason his little scheme hurt so much is because I love him. My heart has always been on my sleeve when it came to him. My nightmare has shaken me. I have always felt like Dean blamed me for everything that happened. I am not sure that I believe he doesn’t.
When we were young,
I felt empowered by how much I loved him. I felt fortunate I had met someone I could love without reservation or doubt. But now, my love feels like a self-inflicted wound. Now, I feel exposed and vulnerable, and I pray I can survive whatever is coming next for us.
I gather my determination and head downstairs to find Dean.
13
* * *
I’m either a genius or a fool. When Milly walked into the bathroom, and I heard the sound she made, for a flash of an instant, I thought my fantasy had just gotten very vivid. I shouldn’t have invited her to join me, I shouldn’t have told her I’ve been thinking of her while my fist was so obviously wrapped around my cock. But, seeing her standing there, like my fantasy had come true, made it impossible to resist.
I’m glad she had the sense to walk away because if she hadn’t, I would have stepped out of the shower and dragged her in with me and fucked her senseless.
I hate waiting for anything, and right now, Milly is standing on the other side of a door that was kicked shut by my idiotic scheme and then, my stupider words. If I want her to open it again, I’ve got to win her trust. The conversations this will require are riddled with potential landmines that could derail any progress we make. But, high-risk also means high reward. If we can get past the issues in our path, I know I can have her back.
I’m downstairs in front of my laptop, watching the clock so that I can leave the house on time to get to Anthony’s school. I heard her shower running when I stepped out into the hallway upstairs, and I know she’s going to come down and talk to me in a few minutes. She probably has a million questions and also wants me to get the hell out of her house.
I hear her footsteps coming down the stairs, and I feel like a man waiting to hear a judgment from a jury. But I’m not going down without a fight.
“Dean?” she calls out as she reaches the foyer.
I sit up straight before I respond, “I’m in here.”
She walks into the living room, and although her steps are tentative, she's looking directly at me. She looks relieved, which lightens some of the tension floating in my shoulders.
She sits down next to me on the couch, and I take that as a good sign. Without the preamble of niceties, she dives right in.
“So, tell me everything. But start with Friday. I don’t understand why you were even here.”
Her hands are clasped in front of her and she's playing with her cuticle. It’s something she used to do when we were in school. It’s her tell. Even when she appeared outwardly calm, I’d know she was nervous when I saw her doing this. I shift slightly so I'm facing her and start talking.
