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"Maybe," she says, her tone noncommittal, and then she leans away from me and smiles brightly, falsely, and I know she's about to change the subject. I won't let her.
"I want to kiss you," I say, and her smile drops.
"I don't kiss," she says, her chin set in a stubborn tilt.
"That's ridiculous. Your mouth was made for kissing," I say, and she scowls.
"Can you hear yourself? My mouth was made for kissing?” she scoffs and rolls her eyes.
"Yes, it was," I say, undeterred, in fact more determined now. "It's the shape of a kiss, it's the color of a kiss, and that mouth was made to be kissed. I mean, it talks pretty well. And I've seen you eat and can see that it’s even pretty when you're chewing. But anyone's mouth can do that. Yours...it was made for kissing."
She pulls away from me as if I'm suddenly on fire and she's highly flammable.
"No kissing. I told you what I told you because we agreed to not push each other. We're strangers, let's keep it that way."
She shakes her head, hard and fast, and her curls bounce around her shoulders. "You don't want to know me. I promise you."
"Do you really think that you would have been able to tell a stranger what you told me?"
She crosses her arms across her chest and cocks her head at me. "That's the only reason I told you. You are a stranger," she says defensively. "There is nothing special between you and me."
"I didn't use the word ‘special’. But I do know that I've never found anyone so easy to talk to. It's a bonus that you're fucking sexy."
She takes a step back, eyes wide.
"You said not for all the tea in China," she says, her voice high with indignation.
"What the fuck has that got to do with you being sexy, you nutter? We're going to have to work on your listening comprehension."
She laughs. It’s an incredulous, genuine laugh, and I take a step towards her. Her laughter dies, like a flame snuffed by a quick, cool puff of air, and I pause.
Tonight has been a rollercoaster, maybe I'm pushing too hard, too fast.
"Are you uncomfortable with me? I know we've taken a lot of shots at each other, but I've been joking. Mostly," I say, trying to add some levity but worried that she's going to have another panic attack.
She shakes her head.
"So, what was it? Are you claustrophobic?" I ask, feeling slightly relieved.
"What?" she responds, audibly this time.
"Listen, you've got to expand your vocabulary. It's hard deciphering what you are saying when you don't use more than one word in a sentence. Maybe you should try reading more. That really helps. I've--"
"Oh my God. You're such an asshole. I am not illiterate. I am trying to decide if I should tell you. But now I want you to shut up, so I will."
She looks up at the sky in exasperation and then back at me. "I don't date. I don't flirt. I don't kiss. I don't make out. I just fuck. And I don't like intimacy. I...can't say why. But I haven't done any of that in five years."
I'm a little speechless. My dating history isn't exactly prolific, but looking at this beautiful, passionate, vibrant woman, I'm confused by what I'm hearing. She takes my silence for confusion and reaches out to touch me reassuringly.
"I'm not afraid of you. I don't think you're going to attack me. I don't want anything beyond this conversation. That's all I was prepared for tonight."
She tips her chin up and sets it at a determined angle and glares at me. As if daring me to push her further.
"I'm a stoic man. I was raised to be. I have a lot of obligations. Ones that my siblings don't share. They’ve been free to follow their whims, and my future is basically already decided. Or so I thought. Now, I know that there are some things we have complete control over, and some that we don’t. So, I worry about the things I can control. And, if I want something badly enough, even if it’s complicated or hard, I’ll find a way to have it. It’s mind over matter."
She puts her hand up, palm facing me, and starts to shake her head.
"I hope, I’m not the “something” you’re referring to.” She says, shaking her head. “I’m not complicated. This is just how I am. This is the life I’ve chosen. You don’t really want me. You’re just horny and away from home.” She sounds desperate, and I want to know why.
