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My stomach pitches at the reminder that tomorrow is the rehearsal dinner for Louis and Cara and she’s likely to be there. Freya smiles at me, but the sympathy in her eyes is all I see and it makes me crazy. I'm not a victim. Lilly's the one who walked away from something with real potential. It's her loss. I dodged a bullet.
I force a smile but, shut the door of my car with a slam that makes her jump. I glance in my rearview mirror and see her standing there watching me.
I drive in silence, forgetting to turn on my radio as every single memory that I've battled over the last few months comes flooding back. Her touch, her taste, the way she cried when she came. The salt of her tears on my tongue as I kissed her eyelids. How happy I was when I thought I'd finally gotten somewhere with her. What a fucking joke.
I shake my head in disgust and remember the way I sat in the hotel lobby until noon waiting for her. I'd known she wasn't coming as soon as I got downstairs and she wasn't at our usual table. But I'd sat down anyway, ordered coffee for both of us. Watched as hers had grown cold, a thin film forming over the top as the cream I knew she’d want had congealed.
I didn't call Kojo to get Bambi's information. I decided I wouldn't chase her. Not if she could look at me and promise something she had absolutely no intention of giving.
It was tempting to tell myself the lie that everyone tells themselves when someone doesn't return a call, doesn't show up, or doesn't respond: Maybe they're hurt. Maybe they're lying in a ditch bleeding and alone, unable to reach me.”
Only, they never are. They're just not coming. They’re not going to call. They’re not going to respond.
I'd had enough of lying women to last me a lifetime.
So, I'd gone upstairs, packed my bags, gone to the airport, and left Ghana with my heart in my throat. The tightly wound ball of resentment still sat in my gut for months.
I prayed to never see her again. Those prayers were lies. Seeing her again was all I’d wanted.
But now that I have what I want, I have no clue what I should do.
20
Lilly
"Isn't it cool? Ms. Freya says this isn't really a castle, but if it's not, then gosh, what must a real castle look like?" Anthony prattles as he leads me up the stairs, his little hands sweeping the air as if he’s been giving tours of this house his whole life.
I feel like a dead woman walking. How can he be here? How can he be the brother of the fucking groom. I wail a silent “Why?” and think about how I can manage to avoid any confrontations. But, I’m also happy to
see him. It feels like fate. That night on the beach had been the spark that lit this fire and now I feel like we’ve been given a second chance. I drag my suddenly heavy body up the stairs after my nephew, despondent. He’s so angry with me. He has every right to be. And, I’m still…me. Nothing has changed – in fact, things have gotten worse.
"He looks like he was really brave." Anthony says and brings to a halt on our climb up the stairs. I look over my shoulder down the long stairway back to the place we’d been standing. Nobody’s there. All that's left are the shadows the morning sun is creating from the statues that line the foyer. It doesn’t look like the scene of an earthquake. But that’s what standing there has left me feeling like I experienced – an uprooting of seismic proportions. Falling without knowing where the bottom is. Unsteady and confused.
Anthony tugs my hand and I look down at him. His big brown eyes are full of confusion.
"You okay, Aunt Lilly? You look like you've seen a ghost."
"What?" I murmur absently, my brain sluggish. He tilts his head, his confusion turning to worry. Shit.
If Anthony can see something’s wrong, everyone else will, too. I take a deep breath and collect myself.
“Ghosts? Are there ghosts here?” I widen my eyes, pretending to be scared
"I'm just kidding Auntie Lilly. Ghosts aren't real." He giggles at me and I thank God that he's still so innocent.
"That’s what you think, I’m still scared!" I say and tickle him a little trying to distract myself. He giggles and dances out of my reach. I hold my hands up in surrender and comes back. I wrap an arm around his shoulder and pull him into my side. We resume walking up the stairs, and I tell him, "I'm tired after all that traveling."
"Wasn't the train fun? Mommy and Dean slept most of the way, but I couldn't sleep. I've never been on a train like that before." He beams his eyes full of unadulterated joy.
"I slept most of the way. You’ll have to tell me everything I missed." And now I'm glad I did. I have a feeling sleep will be elusive while I’m here.
"Old people miss everything!" Anthony says with pity in his voice.
"Look at that guy," he points to one of the huge portraits on the wall right above where we're standing. "Miss Jan told me that he loved cheese so much he built a cheese making shop on the estate. The cheese we ate with our dinner last night is made there and they sell it in the shop. Oh, wait until you see the shop."
If I wasn't so preoccupied with thoughts of Harry I might have laughed at Jan’s food themed history lesson.
"Is my room far?" I ask Anthony. I need to get out of sight. I'm afraid Freya will come back and confront me or worse. I need to hide myself away and figure out what I'm doing next.
