AllFreeNovel
Share Us
br /> "Whatever, Addie. That was years ago. And I wasn't a slut, I just wasn't a prude." I bargain with my composure, begging it not to fail me. I pray for Addie to sense my despair and stop. She doesn’t.
"Understatement of the year. She was the most popular girl in her high school. She was still a legend when I got started there four years after she graduated," she says with a chuckle.
Breathing feels impossible; my heart aches.
"Girls, Dean needs help with something upstairs," Milly says suddenly, looking up from her phone. She looks between us and when her eyes land on me, she frowns. "Lilly, are you okay?" she asks, concern lacing her voice.
Addie peers at me, her eyes glazed with inebriation, her smile unfettered.
"She's fine,” she answers before I can say a word. That seems to appease Milly, who looks back to her phone and starts texting.
“Yes, I love having my past sexual behavior, laughed at dissected,” I say dryly.
“Oh, Lilly, we were just kidding. Lighten up, ” Addie admonishes. She hops down from her stool, looks out of the window into the dark. It’s only late afternoon but the sun has already waned.
“If you're going up, I'll go with you. I need take a shower before dinner. Simon made me sweat before I came down, " she giggles while she takes a final sip of her drink. She grabs Milly's arm to pull her out of the kitchen.
"See you at dinner!" Milly calls over her shoulder as she lets herself be lead away.
"Are you alright, love?"
I jump. I'd forgotten Jan was there. Again.
"This is becoming a pattern. And, yes," I lie.
"You didn't take kindly to your sister's teasing,” she says softly. Her voice is full of knowing and comfort.
I swallow a ball of tears in my throat and look down at my hands that are still clutching the edge of the counter.
"No. I didn't." The truth slips so easily from my lips. And the knot in my chest loosens at my admission. Relief at being able to admit it coursing through me.
"And they didn't seem to notice," she says curiously. A soothing hand comes to rest in the center of my back, and I realize that she walked around the counter and I didn't even notice.
"I used to laugh with them. I've changed. But I'm pretending I haven't," I admit, surprised at myself. She's so easy to talk to. Just like Harry was. His name wraps around me like an invisible lasso, squeezing me so hard it hurts. Tears slide down my cheeks.
"Oh, love." She wraps an arm around my shoulder. "Why are you pretending? They love you. They'd understand. You should tell them."
I look sideways at her. Her warm face is full of empathy and kindness as she smiles gently at me.
"How do you know? You’ve just met me," I whisper.
"I don't have any children of my own. But, I raised the three that grew up in this house. I braided hair, kissed scraped knees, and soothed broken hearts.” She looks down at her hands and while rubbing her fingers absently, a small fond smile appears on her lips. “Their parents love them, you see, but being Lord and Lady Carlisle means that they don't just belong to their children. Especially when they lived in this house. Travel, events, parties and such took them away a lot. So, I paid close attention to their children.” Her hand covers mine. “I know pain when I see it. I saw you when you were getting off of the train. I saw your face before you smiled at us."
I wipe away the tear that’s trickling down my nose. “Why don't they see it?" I ask her, mournful. She moves to sit right next to me and puts an arm around me. She presses a kiss to my temple. I don’t know if it’s the alcohol or her, but I feel so safe with her.
"They can't, pet. They're all a little preoccupied at the moment, I think. And you do a very good job of disguising your feelings. You should just talk to them. Tell them what’s wrong." She urges me softly.
"I know." I acknowledge. “I don't think they’d be able to handle the truth. It would change everything."
"Well, clearly, it already has, darlin’," she says. She gives my hand one more squeeze before letting go. I already want her to hold me again. "Think about it. You have this whole week with them. Your mother said it's the longest time you all have been together in more than fifteen years. Who knows how you might feel in a few days?"
"I don't know," I protest weakly.
"Just open yourself to it. And give them a chance to be there for you."
I nod, but know that I don't have the courage to tell them anything.
The kitchen door flings open just then and we both jump and turn around.
