AllFreeNovel
Share Us
elaxes visibly even though she's still staring out the window, as she speaks in a more muted tone, “Now, that I know all of that, I don't know what good it would do to tell them. Five years later. It would only hurt them. And change the way they see me. I’m so afraid of that."
Her voice breaks on this last word and she swallows hard. I want to pull her close to me and hold her.
I was numb with anger after Zara died and everything I believed turned upside down. I know what that feels like. It’s hard to tell your story honestly. It takes effort to not paint the other person as a villain, to own the role you played in your own demise. To admit that you’re weak and don’t understand. But, she’d made me feel safe enough to tell her my story. In that elevator. I got to say, out loud, all of the things I'd been too scared - no, too ashamed - to say. I remember how cathartic and character building that was. She gave me that, when I hadn’t been particularly nice to her and when we were still strangers. This woman’s capacity for love is fathomless. I see that now. She has thought of everyone she loves before herself.
I want to say that to her, but I remember how much I appreciated her silence while I talked. So, I don’t say a word. I just hold her hand and give her the space to talk.
"I know it sounds crazy.” And her eyes flick to mine. Gauging my reaction. I just shake my head slightly and smile at her to continue.
"That does sound crazy,” I acknowledge. And she looks up at me, her eyes startled and wide as if she'd forgotten I was there. "Your boyfriend was a pig and you're well shot of him. As for that piece of shit who raped you, he's living free on borrowed time. Whether it's you or someone else, this shit will catch up with him."
"He's dead." She says, her voice devoid of emotion. For a second, I’m afraid she’s about to tell me she killed him and my heart stops.
I have to stifle my relieved sigh when she says, "He died a year ago. Bitten by a snake. When I heard, I was so happy." She frowns and looks up at me "Is that evil? Then she shrugs and looks back at the window, “Actually, I’m not so sure I care anymore. It’s how I felt."
I turn her toward me I look her in the eye. And as soon as I do that, everything else disappears. I can feel every nerve ending in my hands as they touch hers. I’m aware of the thrum of the pulse point in her wrist. Her hands fit perfectly into mine. I don't want to let go. Her eyes hold an expression akin to wonder in them as we stare at each other. I can see her having some sort of struggle, but her hands relax in my grasp.
"It's when I got my tattoo. I was wearing my necklace that night and I never wanted to put it on me again, but I thought that I was finally free. I got that tattoo. I cut my hair, dyed it blond.” She gives a snort of a laugh and looks up at the ceiling. “I thought I was reinventing myself. I even went home.” She shakes her head, regret all over her face. “When I got there, I realized that I was choking on more than the memories of the rape. It wasn’t just my bedroom I was avoiding. They weren’t even living in the same house anymore. I still couldn’t stand being there.”
Her lips quiver and her face crumbles. “I’m so angry at my family. They look at me and can't see that a part of me is ruined." She's sobbing now. Her pain spills out like the carbonated liquid in a bottle that has been shaken and then abruptly yanked open. I hold her and let her cry. I’m relieved to have one more piece of the puzzle.
Her crying subsides, and she sniffles into my shoulder and as much as I hate to ask, I need to know.
"Why do you call yourself ruined?" I ask her, and hold my breath, sure that I’ve offended her.
She answers immediately and without breaking eye contact.
"Because I can't look at my body without thinking about what he did to me and how much I hate myself for letting it happen. Because I lie to everyone I love. I don't know how to tell them the truth after lying for so many years. I’m alone because this is part of my history. When I met you, I wanted to just enjoy you without having that taint it. And then, when it was time to leave, I didn’t know how to come clean.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong.” I say.
She turns to look at me, her eyes ablaze. “That’s not why. I know that. It’s not my shame to carry. I know that no one does anything to deserve what happened to me.” She turns back to look out of the window. Her profile is grave and tense as she speaks.
“It’s because what he did is part of my life history now. Forever. I hate having to tell you that a man who’d been like a father to me, put his penis inside of me. That he fucked me.” I flinch at the words, at the thought at the pain in her voice.
“He touched me in places no one has the right to touch.” She punches the fist of one hand into the palm of the other. “He came inside of me.” My throat clenches, my pulse quickening as I try to hold back my anger. I want to shout, I want to weep. That someone hurt her this way, is unfathomable.
“I hate him.” Her voice is ice. Her anger is white hot. Besides her punching fist, she doesn’t move as she speaks, but her voice is so raw with emotion that I can feel it, like hot stone in my chest, burning me from the inside out. I don’t know how to help her, I don’t know what to say.
“I hate having to tell anyone that. I don't want to see the change in their eyes when they start to think of me as a victim instead of a woman, or sister or a daughter." She is breathing heavily and her fists are clenched at her sides and watches my face.
She expects that from me. She's looking at me as if she's waiting for the transformation. “You’re never going to see that from me. It doesn’t change who you are. Not then, not five years later. And it doesn’t change how I see you. And you need to come clean to your family.”
She pulls back a little, but I put my hand on her shoulder to stop her from moving. “Hear me out. Please.” She nods and I start talking again.
“If you think you know everything about them, you're delusional. No one can know everything about another person. There are things that are just ours, and not for anyone else to know.” I rub my hand down her back and I see a flicker of relief in her eyes.
She shakes her head and the smile on her face is the first one I've seen since she's been here. It's as if she's so happy she can't stand it. "When we were in Ghana, spending time together. Exploring, talking, making love… I remembered myself. The person I'd been, and oh God,” she exhales the last word. “The way I feel about you.”
A shot of relief and gratitude course through me at her words, hope shows it’s fearless face and I feel like I’m standing on top of the world.
"Tell me." I ask, eager to hear more.
Gladly.” Her fingers sift into the hair at the nape of my neck and she gazes into my eyes and…just like that, I know I’m falling for her.
"When you kiss me, it’s like shot of sunshine- straight to my center.” Her sigh is very close to a moan and her hand comes up to caress the back of her neck. Her eyes are glowing. Before she drapes her arms around my shoulder and then clasps her fingers together behind my neck.
Her voice is husky and sweet. “You're a marvel and a wonder of a man. The way you love your family and the way you're here for them inspires me. I've been falling for you since that night in the elevator and… I'm not afraid to say any of that out loud.” She sounds like she’s surprised herself. I grin at her and she keeps talking.
