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“Why what?” I snap. But I’m more tired than angry. There are so many things swirling in my head. The rape, the way I felt afterwards were all overshadowed by what came next.
I hang my head and just stare at the rug, dragged back to a time I haven’t wanted to revisit. That in the last week, I’ve had to revisit three times. “I didn't come home for five years and none of you have even asked me why.”
I sit down and stare at my feet, my hands clasped together while I speak. Despondency and resignation are personified in me as I'm forced to share the one thing I'd sworn I never would.
"Oh God. I’m so sorry, Lilly. I…" My mother moans. My father hasn't said a word. I look up at him. His face is an unreadable mask. He looks like he’s aged ten years in the last ten minutes. He stares straight ahead, his eyes wide as if he's watching a horror movie and wants to look away, but can’t.
"What could you have done for me? I wasn't sure that it hadn’t been my fault. I didn't scream for help. Hell, I didn’t even fight him. I was so scared. He said you wouldn’t believe me." My words leave me in a rush, like a river freed of its's dam, they spill. "And then when I got home and found out I was pregnant, I had to tell Tomas. He thought I'd had an affair and then he kicked me out. I scheduled an abortion, but got scared. I didn’t have anyone…”
I remember the crushing loneliness as I’d gotten in my car to drive to the clinic. And how I’d turned my car around because I’d been afraid to go on my own.
“I had plenty of money and a roof over my head. I decided that I would wait until I was five months before I told you all. But then, one day I felt something, like popcorn popping in my gut…it was her.” My hand goes to my lower abdomen and I caress it as I remember that day. “I fell in love with her. So deeply.” I tremble at the memory. Of what those nearly 9 months I got with her were like. When she was all mine, cocooned in my body where I could keep her safe.
I knew, for the first time, what it really meant to love someone more than yourself. I knew I had to do what was best for her.
“She deserved better than me. So, I found an agency and they arranged everything. That picture was taken by a nurse who let me have a few minutes to say goodbye.” I my speech is wooden, my voice devoid of emotion, all of it roiling like a tsunami inside me.
Milly comes to sit with me, Dean at her heels. She puts an arm around me but doesn't say anything. He puts an arm around her. I want Harry. I feel so desperate for time to roll back. To have the chance to tell him
myself. And I want Zadie. That's what I called her. My arms, my heart feel so empty. I can't look at anyone.
"She was my baby," I bite my lower lip to still its trembling so I can talk. "But, I had to. I didn’t want her life story to be tainted by mine. It was all I could give her. She deserved to grow up knowing nothing but love. I was afraid she would look like him and it would make me resent her,” I admit. Milly sobs and pulls me even closer.
“I loved her so much. I miss her so much that I can't bear it.” I grit my teeth, “But, I made her promises when I kissed her goodbye.” I pull away from Milly and point at them.
“Promises I intended to keep.” I’m angry at Freya all over again and wish she was in the room so I could gouge her fucking eyes out.
“I wasn't lying to you. This is between her and me. None of you had the right to this story. It was mine." I am nearing hysteria and I cover my mouth with my hand to stifle my pent-up screams.
I hear the soft click of the door's handle as it open and look up. I’m just in time to see Harry's retreating back as he walks out of the room.
It's too much. All of it. I can't feel anything but a hot searing pain. Everyone is silent. No one speaks or moves. We all just sit and stare, some crying silently, or like my mother wailing loudly.
The truth always finds its way out. He’d said last night and he was right. It has. And now, everything is finished.
32
Harry
My heart is beating so hard, I’m afraid it’s going to explode. Not burst. Explode. But I’d rather die than tamp back any of the anger and hurt that are running in my veins.
I never fathomed this kind of rage was possible. I feel transformed by, possessed by it and I don’t care who gets trampled.
I reach the door of the library and the sound of angry voices reverberates from the other side of it. Without pausing, I yank the door open and step inside. All talking comes to a complete stop. My parents and sister turn to look at me. It seems they’ve aged ten years in a minutes since they left the room. My father is crying. My mother’s face is pale and drawn and Freya looks terrified. Her face pale, her hair disheveled and her eyes swollen and red with tears. What a contrast between fierce righteousness she’d warn a few minutes ago.
She’d brandished Lilly’s phone like sword. She’d struck out with it with delighted vengeance. Her attack had hit its target with staggering precision and she’d left total carnage in her wake.
I only stare at her. She stares back. Slowly, her eyes widen in surprise when she find herself unable to understand what my eyes are saying.
There has never been a time that we couldn’t communicate with each other this way. But Freya’s sword hadn’t just sliced Lilly in half, cutting her open and spilling her insides out while her entire family watched. She’d also severed that cord. The one that we have shared since we were embryos in our mother’s womb.
“How could you?” My hands shake and I have to grab the chair in front of me to steady myself. I don’t understand any of this.
She only whimpers in response and looks down at her hands.
“Harry...” My mother speaks, slowly, warning me. I take my eyes from Freya and look at her.
“This is between me and my sister. No one else.”
