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For the first time since our discussion began he smiled – warmly in fact. “I think you’ve made way too much out of something that is more common than you think. You’re certainly not alone in your fantasies. There’s nothing you’ve said that I haven’t thought about in my own way. Frankly, I was pretty sure that this was exactly the kind of thing that you’d confess. But it was important for you to tell me yourself.”
“So, I’m not some kind of freak?”
He laughed. “No, you’re not some kind of freak.”
Little by little my anxiety began to lose its grip.
“And see, you made a big deal of it for nothing. Don’t you feel better?”
“A little. But those thoughts aren’t going to go away.”
“I wouldn’t imagine that they would. How long have you had thoughts like these?”
“Oh, dear…I don’t remember when I didn’t have them. I mean they’ve changed over time, certainly becoming more extreme – but even when I was a kid I had odd kinds of spanking fantasies.”
“Then you’re right. They aren’t about to go away just because you confessed them to me.”
“So what do I do about them?”
He thought a moment – considering options, I’d guess. “I’m afraid you’re not going to like what I have to say,” he warned.
“Well, go ahead and say it.”
“Start diving in. Get a little crazy for awhile.”
I flinched. “You don’t mean that!”
“I do. You can’t ignore your fantasies anymore – you know how well that’s worked. Getting a little kinky certainly isn’t going to kill you. You know the old saying…you gotta confront your fears. Your fantasies are at the heart of your problem. You need to have fun with them. …trust me, it’ll untie the knot that has you so bound up.”
“I wouldn’t know where to start.” I gazed away, suddenly inside myself and needing Will to leave me be. “I imagine you’re right. I certainly haven’t gotten anywhere trying to will them away. But I need to think about it…”
“Well then, you think about it.” He tousled my hair and pulled me into his chest, where I felt the warmth of his body and his embracing arms soothe me. “I’m not going to push you, Alex. Take all the time you need. But this isn’t something you can avoid forever.”
I thought about that conversation long and hard over several days. Will was right. My dark musings didn’t end with my confessing them. If anything they were more prominent than ever and more intrusive in our lovemaking. How
ever, hHoHI didn’t raise the subject again for nearly two weeks, when I finally had the courage to act on his suggestion.
We were eating take-out Chinese in his apartment. It was after sex, when my anxieties were at a low ebb and introducing the topic didn’t seem half as difficult as it might have at another time. “Will you help me?”
“Help you?” he gazed at me quizzically.
“Sorry, I guess that’s out of context.” I smiled. “Help me with my sexual fears.”
For a moment he looked at me as if he was exploring every inch of my mind and my soul.
“You’re sure about this?”
“You said that it’s time to face my fears, not to avoid them. I can’t do it alone.”
“Okay then. Of course, I’ll help. But let me warn you, it won’t be easy. And you may not like the things I suggest.”
“I imagine that I won’t, but I’ve got to try.”
It wasn’t until weeks later that I truly understood what he meant.
Chapter Nine
I had run out of that house full speed, racing into the night, block after block until a taxi pulled up beside me and took me home. My brain was reeling. I knew my decision to leave would alter everything in my relationship with Will. If I’d only known how much, I probably wouldn’t have left that way.
