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“I’m petrified, Mr. Keller. But I’ve never felt more myself.” That sounds like a contradiction, but it’s not unlike what I’ve experienced from Anna and dozens of other submissives I’ve known.
“Tonight, Delia, before you sleep, inspect your wounds carefully and masturbate to the feelings that arise. Let your mind take you where it will and don’t block what appears. You’ll tell me the details on Monday.”
Opposite the door to her apartment, she climbs from the car still clutching her coat around her. She struggles to keep the rest of her clothes inside. Still shuddering, still frightened, the sight is riveting. I can’t look away. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything as beautiful as this. Not since Anna. Forgetting that bitch in favor of this beauty, I know I’m ready to begin again. I haven’t lost the dark edges of my character, or the ability to bring out the darkness in those I command.
Chapter Five
This day is filled with such tedious activity, the sort that doesn’t particularly challenge my brain. I can’t keep from focusing on Bernard. At times like this, I think about him constantly. My mind drifts from the bookstores inventory sheets to the remembrance of our last meeting a week ago. When I masturbate at night, or make love to Ian, all I can think of is when he might consent to give me what I need. I swear I can’t live without this. But it’s not going to happen the way things stand now.
I know the rules, and those rules condemn me to a lifeless void. I haven’t breathed a word about these things to Ian, but it’s been on the tip of my tongue a dozen times—just to see if I could make that kind of confession. I think he knows in some respects after some of what I told him about Heinrich. But that was so filled with bitterness and hate, I’m sure he thinks that there was nothing redeeming in my marriage, least of all my skewed sex life. What little he does for me in slaps to my ass, or a demanding attitude, pale next to the real need.
I may have to resort to something drastic. The more the fire in me builds the more the obsession takes over. I can see myself closing the shop at noon and hiking down to the leather boutique, it’s just down the street. Cavenor would know where there are hot parties these days and where Heinrich and Bernard won’t be. Why does just thinking about this feel sleazy? I’m not breaking any vows to anyone. Oh, maybe Ian, but he doesn’t count. That’s what Bernard doesn’t understand. What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.
My body screams for something and by lunchtime I can’t help myself. I take off, letting my assistant, Catherine, mind the store, while I slip out the back entrance, down the alley to the backdoor of Cavenor’s Leathers. This is sly, isn’t it? No one will see me enter, no one see me exit. Even if being here isn’t criminal behavior, I still act like it is. The smell of the merchandise assaults me in seconds. I hear chains rattling in the front room and moving down the stucco hall of the crumbling building, I peek beyond the doorway. Ah, the noise is just Cavenor handling bondage apparatus. Funny, after all this time I still shiver at the sight of it as though it were my first sighting.
“That you, Anna?” he says seeing me from the corner of his eye.
“Hi,” I walk boldly inside and plant a kiss on his cheek. He has a beard the look of a day’s growth—the kind purposely left that way. His butch hair is the same. There’s a three-inch ring in one ear lobe so he looks like a pirate most of the time. Leather pants, leather vest, what more could anyone ask of the proprietor of a fetish leather store. His face is usually blank—though he sometimes smirks—and his eyes never seem to change from their flat impassive look. But seeing me, he actually smiles for just a second before his expression returns to this austere one I’m used to.
“Haven’t seen you in months. Hear you cut loose from the bastard,”—he never liked Heinrich, though it was his party where we met when I was just a blank-late submissive with a thousand fantasies. I think Cavenor had plans for taking me and I got swept away by the charm of the handsome Heinrich Keller. “You look rosy as ever. Who’s reddening your ass and putting you in chains these days?”
“No one, that’s why I’m here.”
> “Oh, you want me now?”
“Actually, I was wondering if you knew of anything interesting and uncomplicated I could do—anything that steers clear of my husband and Bernard, preferably on the other side of town. Too many people know too many people around here.”
“Why the secret?”
“I don’t want to make explanations.”
“You’re divorced, honey.”
“You wouldn’t understand. But can you think of anything that might intrigue me? A private party perhaps?”
“I could rent you out.”
I turn up my nose. “That’s not exactly what I had in mind.”
“You can have me?”
“That either. You know the two of us wouldn’t work out.”
“I don’t know that at all.”
“Anything else?”
“Maybe. Might be a little risky.”
“In what way?”
“Party. New fellow. Nicky Salter. Wear something outrageous. He’s into costumes, showy; I’m not sure much real action. But you might like the company, and maybe arrange a scene if you’re lucky. Your old friends aren’t likely to even hear about this one, let alone show up. Heinrich’s been back at Tethers, hear he has a new woman.”
“Really?” I search my feelings for some flutter of jealousy but feel nothing.
Cavenor scratches an address on a slip of paper and hands it to me then returns to his chains. “Tell the fellow at the door I recommended you.”
“You going to be there too?”
