AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“Yes, it’s better.” She looks at me again, her eyes soft and wet.
It’s on the tip of my tongue to draw her back to me. I know it would take very little effort to do so, but I can’t seem to make myself. I’m not sure it’s wise to change her mind. I wonder if I can tolerate a woman who needs so much from me. “What are your plans?”
“I’m returning to Master.”
“I see. His temperament suits you?”
“I’m sorry, Heinrich, but he has a heart big enough for me.”
“Then I wish you well.”
The final kiss is brief. Before we can spend another moment saying our farewells, the taxi driver has buzzed the apartment, and she has to leave. “There are a few boxes I put in a corner. There will be someone calling for them in a day or so.”
“I’ll have them in storeroom downstairs,” I tell her.
“Thank you.”
She’s gone and I still don’t know how to feel. I don’t know what to think—except that this can hardly surprise me. The way her eyes light when she speaks of Master, the way she calls him Master still, the way she seems to drift away from me in the middle of a scene, and when she returns, how she holds back her thoughts.
There’s this awful pain in my heart, an ache that weighs on me heavily. All I manage to do is slump into my chair and stare into the blue sky outside the windows. I think of her, and then I think of Anna and the ache expands.
Chapter Eighteen
It’s nearly fall again. My days drift on as Lockhart’s pony-slave. But as the weeks go by, I realize that I’m spending more time at the shop and less with my master. I’m more often in his bed, and less in the stable. I wear clothes more frequently—even in the house—and spend fewer hours shoveling shit and wearing a pony harness.
Despite the way my life alters, I never disobey my master—the thought of doing so would never arise in my consciousness. And on a whim, or if some inflection in body or voice displeases him, he still strikes down on me with fury. I’m still punished when it’s necessary, but the necessity is as rare as a summer breeze in winter.
I don’t miss the extremes—all this seems appropriate as our time together reaches that magical two-year mark. I can sense a change coming soon.
I feel as though I’m climbing out of a cocoon, arising with great wings and I’m restless.
We’re in the shop.
“How would you like to spend less time with me this winter?” Lockhart says after we share our thoughts about Expressionist painters, Munch, and Gauguin, over a cup of expresso.
My response is guarded as I’m accustomed to deferring to his opinions, “I think that would be fine,” I manage to reply.
He nods. “It’s time for you to reenter your world.”
I look at Lockhart, knowing that I don’t love him. I respect him completely and I will for the rest of my life honor him. But for our relationship to remain the same would probably not suit either of us. I imagine the end will feel strange, but not painful. We will have lost the need for each other.
The worst part about this is picking up with the rest of my life. He’s eased me into the change a week at a time, but when my life with Lockhart is finally over I imagine I’ll be lost without something I’ve come to trust.
Chapter Nineteen
The following spring…
I was initially worried moving back to the city—my thoughts suggested that I should simply find another place altogether. Start so fresh that I’d feel like a babe in the woods, no baggage of any past to haunt me. But then, returning to visit my friend, Joanne, I realized that two years away cleared out all that murky stuff that drove me to my master to the north. Besides, I love the city, and the gallery that Joanne’s boyfriend, Cameron, needs me to run, and the loft apartment on the second floor with two big spacious rooms and a garden roof that reminds me of an English country garden. I can think of Lockhart the minute I step out on the patio. And I can also think of the promise a big city brings for finding that next man in my life. Not that I’m anxious. Lockhart took me beyond that.
Oh, my submissive yearnings are ever present. I made one trip to Tethers a week ago. But as soon as I crossed the threshold, I knew it wasn’t right. I left in a half-hour, deciding that I’ll post a few inquires in the Internet personals and sees what comes from that. I’m not desperate as I was when I left Heinrich, or when Ian turned me out. No. I can wait. I can be peaceful with myself, and not need to run in panic to Bernard, or into the arms of any man.
Cameron has arranged a loft warming for me. He and Joanna insist. He tells me that I need to get a social life—I’ve scoffed, but they’re probably right. They know about my sexual inclinations, though they don’t share them. They also know that I’m being patient this time. They see that I’m taking time to rebuild my life and make a lot of things new. I may scoff at their concern, but I’m actually glad they’re here to help.
It’s a brilliant Saturday in April, and I have a thousand things to buy for my party tonight—Cameron didn’t handle everything, though he’s doing all the food, and that’s a relief.
I carry two bags of groceries from the corner store, staring up at the sky wondering a little wistfully what the rest of my life is going to bring. With my eyes refocusing on the path in front of me, I suddenly stop on a dime. Heinrich Keller is walking toward me, just as surprised to see me, as I am to see him. His blond hair is slightly tousled by the wind—though in a way, that unkempt look sits well against his well-groomed perfection. His face remains clear, arrogant, and handsome, and my heart starts a little anxiously. “Hi,” I’m the first to speak.
“And hi to you,” he says back smiling, his bright charming grin is as powerful as I remember it to be. “Your hair, Anna, you let it grow.”
