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“Maybe,” he said.
“Well, you’re here, aren’t you?”
“That I am.”
“Maureen tells me I should take the afternoon off. If that’s what you like, I will.”
He nodded, then tossed the newspaper to a nearby table, and leaning forward, fished through his pocket for a couple of bills. He rose and left them on the table, while Shelby scurried back behind the counter to retrieve her purse and coat.
***
The day was a brisk one, but the breezy air felt good on her face as they walked through the city. She thought they were on some aimless trek until they managed to arrive at a park she knew was fairly close to his apartment. He still lived in the tiny space by the ‘L’, and at that seemingly perilous moment, something made her long for that small apartment and the comforting rumbling of the train. The first time they made love was a pleasant memory among many. Even the memories of when they fought, broke up and managed to find their way back together were precious to her now. Was it possible for that special magic to work again? Or were things too different now?
“I’m a carpenter. That’s what I’ve always done,” he started the conversation after a long quiet spell.
They sat on a park bench with Padraig leaning forward, arms on his knees and Shelby sitting sideways, so nervous that her entire body was quaking and hot, her ears practically burning – somewhere in that there must have been a metaphor but she wasn’t making commentary in her mind. Every bit of her was focused on Padraig. He looked at her a moment, then his empty gaze returned to somewhere in the distance, across the field of fresh mown grass to the great green trees that lined the park’s perimeter.
“A few years back, right after you left Clive, I was doing the renovations on his city penthouse. My Irish brogue was thicker then. He took note of it and started asking me questions all about me self, where I came from, what kind of man I was. Things I liked. A queer guy, Clive Darcy – and I mean the normal definition of ‘queer’. I liked him, I thought. We shot the breeze about most everything when he was in a mood to talk. I’d work, he’d watch – or go about his business – simple as that.
“After a while, he asked me if I’d do a few favors for him, sort of like the assignments you had delivering sensitive information to important persons. I wasn’t so sure about that, so I questioned him. I didn’t want to do anything illegal to mess up my immigration status. He assured me there’d be no problem. Some kind of instinct made me believe him…that and the men he introduced me to. Important people in the government who contracted him for his intelligence work. They thought I was a good decoy. So I made short trips, just a few days at a time – I got back to Ireland that way. And I flew to Mexico, the Bahamas, Panama. He labeled me an operative because I’d come back with useful information. He could trust me, and it put a few extra dollars in my pocket. My work for him went on long after the penthouse renovations were done. After that, we didn’t see each other much; he’d call me about a new assignment and if I had the time, I’d take the job. If not, it was no big deal to either of us. I guess you could say he pulled me into his cause.
“Then one day, he calls me. Wants me to come to his office. Things to discuss.”
Padraig turned to her. She could see his face, and after finding his eyes much too intense, found herself staring at his lips instead.
“He said that he had a different assignment for me. A girl. In fact, his former lover. I already knew about his sadism. The things I installed in his apartment were enough to make most people walk away in disgust. Eye bolts, suspension harnesses and whipping racks. He made no apologies for his fetish; in fact, he seemed proud of what he could do to a woman with her consent. Before I left him, I saw him whip a female into a frenzy. Craziest thing I’d ever seen. Her back was raw with welts and there was this cruel smile on his face. I could see his pants bulging. Funny thing was, the girl. She was smiling too. I turned away and left, deciding that I had no business watching what came next.”
“So, it bothered you?”
“Not much. Maybe what bothered me was that I found it so damn exciting. I went home and jacked off.”
Shelby’s entire body bristled hearing this.
“So, he calls me into his office to tell me about the girl he wanted me to look after. He called her naïve and vulnerable. She used to be his secretary, but something had scared her off. I asked what that would be and he said that they had been intimate, lovers, even master and slave for a long while…but things changed he said. He didn’t say what except that he knew that this Miss Ryan had been with another man, an arrangement he’d engineered and now that the affair was over and she needed looking after. He told me I had free reign. I could do whatever I pleased with her – as if he still owned her.
“I thought it odd, but then I found out that you were hot and beautiful and fascinating. I never expected to fall in love, but I did, Shelby.” He looked her straight in the eye. “I knew you had your assignments, just like I had mine. But I was told they were safe, document drops, nothing more dangerous than that. When you treated them like a vacation, I had no reason to think anything differently. But it wore on me that we couldn’t be honest about what we were doing. It wore on me that I couldn’t do some of the things that my desires led me to. I knew about you, Shelby. Darcy admitted that he’d been hard on you, but he made me promise to hold off on the rough stuff. He thought you needed a break. After a while, I didn’t care what he wanted. Even so, I wanted to be careful. I didn’t want to sca
re you off. I knew a lot, but I wasn’t sure what had happened with your last affair – you tossed it off like it was no big deal, but I wasn’t so sure. So what that I couldn’t slap your ass when I had a mind to, or hold you down, or let those fired up passions in me have their way with you.
“It did mess me up…the lies. What I knew were lies. They started to grind in my gut. That’s when I’d get pissed at you and we argued. The times I walked out and you wondered why. I figured we needed a break. I could feel the strain between us, but I didn’t know how to change that, make it better.
“I think things were starting to go well, though…until last month…” He bowed his head and stared at the concrete sidewalk.
“They were going well, Padraig. They were the best times.” Her heart was beating so hard that she could barely speak.
“I thought your assignment was the same as the others, but then I got a call from Darcy. He said I needed to see him. He must have had it timed right. He must have known the minute you’d walk out the door. He told me I’d be flying to Vienna soon to get you. It didn’t make sense then. He only said that the assignment was a little different than the normal ones. I questioned him and got nothing but vague answers. He finally said it was none of my business. You’d signed on, you could handle it. You wouldn’t be in any danger. He swore to me you wouldn’t be in any danger.
“I tried to get a hold of you, Shelby, but it was too late. You were already gone. You didn’t pick up your cell phone, and of course the call to your apartment was useless. I just hoped. I hoped so hard it hurt… then when you were reported missing, abducted, I was told, it was all I could do to keep from going back to his office and decking the bastard.”
His emotion was still raw and enough to make the stunned Shelby shudder.
“So, that’s it. That’s my story, my explanation. I don’t know how I would ‘ave done things differently, lass, but if I’d have known what was going to happen to you, I would have moved heaven and earth to keep you out of that disaster.”
Shelby sat back, too dumbfounded to speak for a time, then a meek, “I-I don’t know what to say,” came out on her whispered breath. Her mind spun, flashing back to incidents in the past that might have hinted to the truth about his clandestine activities … or times during sex when she had the feeling that he was holding back, and she could not bring herself to encourage his dominance over her. It was hard to say how much she forced herself to deny. But it was obvious that they had steered clear of precarious subjects like Clive Darcy, Shelby’s masochism and Padraig’s fascination for her kink.
Now, he was as quiet and thoughtful as she was. And for a long while there seemed no way around the awkward impasse. “So what do we do now?” she finally asked.
“I dunno…maybe we can start again, lass. No lies this time.”
