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“But you were lying already! You were pretending to be me!”
“Well, it would have been compounding the lie, anyway,” explained Spider. “Something I only did because you were in no shape to go to work. No,” he said, “I couldn’t have lied further. I would have felt dreadful.”
“Well, I did feel dreadful. I had to watch you kissing her.”
“Ah,” said Spider. “But she thought she was kissing you.”
“Don’t keep saying that!”
“You should feel flattered.” Spider said, “Do you want lunch?”
“Of course I don’t want lunch. What time is it?”
“Lunchtime,” said Spider. “And you’re late for work again. It’s a good thing I didn’t cover for you again, if this is all the thanks I get.”
“S’okay,” said Fat Charlie. “I’ve been given two weeks off. And a bonus.”
Spider raised an eyebrow.
“Look,” said Fat Charlie, feeling like it was time to move to the second round of the argument, “it’s not like I’m trying to get rid of you or anything, but I was wondering when you were thinking of leaving?”
Spider said, “Well, when I came here, I’d only planned to visit for a day. Maybe two days. Long enough to meet my little brother, and then I’d be on my way. I’m a busy man.”
“So you’re leaving today.”
“That was my plan,” said Spider. “But then I met you. I cannot believe that we have let almost an entire lifetime go by without each other’s company, my brother.”
“I can.”
“The ties of blood,” said Spider, “are stronger than water.”
“Water’s not strong,” objected Fat Charlie.
“Stronger than vodka, then. Or volcanoes. Or, or ammonia. Look, my point is that meeting you—well, it’s a privilege. We’ve never been part of each other’s lives, but that was yesterday. Let’s start a new tomorrow, today. We’ll put yesterday behind us and forge new bonds—the bonds of brotherhood.”
“You’re totally after Rosie,” said Fat Charlie.
“Totally,” agreed Spider. “What do you plan to do about it?”
“Do about it? Well, she’s my fiancée.”
“Not to worry. She thinks I’m you.”
“Will you stop saying that?”
Spider spread his hands in a saintly gesture, then ruined the effect by licking his lips.
“So,” said Fat Charlie, “what are you planning to do next? Marry her, pretending to be me?”
“Marry?” Spider paused and thought for a moment. “What. A horrible. Idea.”
“Well, I was quite looking forward to it, actually.”
“Spider does not marry. I’m not the marrying kind.”
“So my Rosie’s not good enough for you, is that what you’re saying?”
Spider did not answer. He walked out of the room.
