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Merrick’s brows drew together. “What was decent of me?”
The two of us were going through the contents of the pack, gathering rations for the four of us to eat. Despite the fact that our supply was getting dangerously low, we’d decided to have a little extra tonight. We all needed the energy boost of food and water. We’d deal with getting more food as soon as we could.
I pulled out two wrapped packets of rations, setting them side by side as I glanced over at the blond-haired mage through my lashes. Trace was resting several yards away, leaning up against a small rock formation that jutted up from the ground, and Lachlan was doing a perimeter check, scanning the surrounding area
for any threats before we settled in for the night.
“Giving Trace that potion when you might need it later on in this competition,” I said, still keeping my voice low. “I guess I just didn’t know you had it in you.”
Merrick pulled two more packages of rations out of the pack. He looked at me intensely, wearing an expression I’d seen on his face before. It was a mixture of desire and amusement, with a dash of frustration thrown in. “You don’t know everything about me. You made sure of that, remember? You’ve gone out of your way not to know things about me.”
My nose wrinkled, and I glanced away, stuffing the items we wouldn’t need for now back into the pack. “I know. I’m not saying I’m right, but I had my reasons for it. If it means anything at all, I’m—I’m glad you’re here.”
There was silence for a long moment, and I wanted to break it. I didn’t want things to be awkward; I hated the hurt I could feel radiating from him, no matter how much he tried to hide it.
Fucking hell. This is the absolute worst time and place to be having this conversation.
I was sure fire-filled caves in the godly realm weren’t on Cosmo’s top ten list of best places to hash out old relationship drama. But it was what I had to work with, and I couldn’t take the tension simmering between us anymore.
If I’d had the guts to have this conversation back in Boston, maybe we wouldn’t have to do it here.
It was my cowardice that’d gotten me into this situation—and I hated admitting that. I wasn’t one to back down from a fight or a challenge, but that’s exactly what I had done with Merrick.
Because he had challenged me.
He’d challenged my perception of myself as a person, my idea of what my life was meant to be, and not by trying to hold me back or tell me how to live it, but just by wanting to be a part of it.
I was a loner.
Had been for as long as I could remember.
And when Merrick came into my world, first as a one-night stand, and then slowly as more than that, it had scared me more than the idea of going up against a two hundred and fifty pound bruiser in a bare-knuckle fight.
It had made me feel… vulnerable.
So I’d shut him out. I’d basically ghosted him, too scared of my feelings to even admit to him why I couldn’t continue our relationship. Maybe I’d been afraid that if I opened up and explained my feelings to him, I wouldn’t have the strength to actually push him away afterward.
“Merrick,” I said slowly, putting the pack down carefully and lifting my chin, meeting his gaze head on. “I shouldn’t have ended things the way I did.”
“Oh, you mean by not ending them? By flipping a switch and cutting me out of your life without a single word?”
His words came out as if by rote, following the familiar pattern we’d established during the first several weeks of the semester of slinging barbs at each other as we rehashed the history between us. But the tone was different, the sharp edge gone. Then he surprised me by sighing and shaking his head.
“I’m sorry. That’s not fair. You did tell me the night you brought me home after your fight that you didn’t do relationships. You told me exactly what it was.” He shook his head, amber eyes gleaming in the firelight. “But after that night—that incredible night—the fact that it didn’t end, that we kept seeing each other, made me think it could become more. I wanted it to be more.”
“I know,” I said, my voice practically trembling from the effort of speaking. Gods, I really am a coward. Why is this so fucking terrifying? “I—I wanted more too. That’s why I broke my ‘one night only’ with you. Repeatedly. I wanted you around all the time. I craved being with you. But then I… chickened out. It felt like I was standing on the edge of a cliff, and if I took one more step with you, one more step toward you, I’d fall. So I turned and ran instead.”
His gaze was still locked on mine, and there was something new in his eyes now. Something I hadn’t seen in a long time. Not since our time together in Boston.
Openness.
It was like he’d opened the windows to his soul and was letting me see directly inside.
To be honest, there was a part of me that wanted to do exactly what I’d done the first time—run for the fucking hills. But I was done running. I was tired of it. I hadn’t run from any of the challenges I had to overcome in this insane, deadly realm.
So why would I run from a man who was looking at me like he wanted to worship me? To protect me? To devour me?
“Ari,” he murmured roughly, reaching up to trace his knuckles along the line of my jaw. My whole body reacted to his touch, nerve endings flaring to life as goosebumps prickled over my skin and my breath hitched.
