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The shame that burned through me every time I thought of how Carter had completely humiliated me in front of everyone in the cafeteria eventually began to lessen, replaced by anger at the way I’d been treated, and finally settled into a kind of numbness. Every day, it became a little easier to breathe as the gossip died away and Carter avoided me. The Christmas break had given me some clarity and some space to step back and reflect. When I looked back on everything, it had been naive of me to expect that just because I’d given him my virginity and we’d spent the night talking about anything and everything, things would change. I wouldn’t give him the chance to hurt me again. Now, I was staying as far away from Carter Blackthorne as I could. I couldn’t fool my heart into believing that he didn’t mean anything to me, though. That was impossible.
Walking into school on the first day back after the Christmas break, my eyes went straight to Carter. He was at the top of the steps, flanked by Kian and Xavier, scanning the school grounds with an air of superiority. His eyes met mine, sadness flickering in them before he masked his expression, and I took a deep breath, dragging my gaze away from his. Holding my head high, I walked past as if he wasn’t even there. He didn’t say a word to me, and why would he? The one boy I wanted, and he didn’t think I was good enough for him.
Lena squeezed my arm reassuringly as we headed inside. “I’m proud of you. You’re doing great.”
I returned her smile. I was doing great because I’d managed to perfect my mask and hide how broken I was inside. She’d told me to fake it until it became real, but I was starting to wonder if that would ever happen while I was a student at AHS. I just had to get through the rest of the school year, and then I could get out of here. Out of Alstone and make a fresh start in a new place where no one knew me or had any preconceived ideas about me.
/> At lunchtime, I went to find Dylan, holding the envelope I’d been carrying around all morning. Eventually I found him in the computer lab, headphones on, engrossed in whatever he was doing on the keyboard. I debated whether to disturb him, but as I drew closer, his head shot up and a smile crossed his face.
Tugging off his headphones, he indicated towards the free seat next to him, and I sank into it, handing him the envelope.
“What’s this?” He eyed it curiously, sliding his finger under the seal to open it. “Money?”
I nodded, smiling. “All four hundred and twenty pounds. I told you I’d pay you back.”
“You didn’t do anything illegal to get this, did you?”
We both laughed, and I explained. “It was actually Lena who came up with the idea. I designed and created an outfit for her cousin to wear at a winter ball, and she paid me for it. I couldn’t believe it.” She’d actually paid me four hundred and seventy-five pounds, and once I’d managed to get over the shock that someone was willing to pay that much for something I’d made, I felt a real sense of pride. That someone actually thought that an outfit I’d created was worth something. It had opened up new possibilities that I’d never dared to hope for before. I’d been a little out of pocket once I’d set aside the money for Dylan and factored in the cost of materials, but the promise of more dress design opportunities coming my way had more than made up for that.
“I’m not surprised. You’re talented, Raine.” Dylan grinned. “Now, since we’re celebrating…” He trailed off and paused, swallowing hard. “Are-are you free after school? Or another day?”
“Why?” I asked warily, noting the nervous, hopeful look on his face.
“I thought we could maybe go bowling. At the pier. Or something else, if you don’t like that?”
I noted the way he was chewing his lip. “Do you mean like a date?” He nodded, and my mouth twisted. I hesitated for a moment. Why couldn’t I be attracted to someone like him? Uncomplicated, sweet, and unassuming, and even better, not part of the popular crowd. But I couldn’t lead him on like that. It wasn’t fair to him. “Uh…I like you, Dylan. As a friend,” I emphasised.
“The words that no guy wants to hear when he asks a girl out. Is this to do with Carter?” He couldn’t disguise the mixture of disappointment and bitterness in his tone.
I sighed. “No, it’s nothing to do with Carter.” That was a lie. It was, partly. But there was also the fact that I wasn’t attracted to Dylan, not even a tiny bit. “It’s just me. I…” I threw up my hands awkwardly. How was I supposed to let him down gently? I’d never been in this situation before.
His face dropped, and he turned back to his computer screen. “Say no more. I get it.”
“I’m really sorry. Please don’t be mad at me.”
“I’m not mad. I’m…disappointed, I guess.” Turning to meet my eyes, his voice softened. “It’s not your fault. I’m not mad at you, I promise.”
“Good.” My body relaxed as the tension drained from me. “You’re going to make an amazing boyfriend for some lucky girl, one day.”
He gave me a wry smile. “I know. Maybe you’ll stop being immune to my charms one day, too.” We both laughed, although I couldn’t tell if he was joking or not. I knew I’d hurt him by turning him down, no matter how unintentionally.
“Well…uh…I haven’t eaten yet, so I’m going to go.” I slipped out of the seat. “We’re still okay, right?” I needed to make sure.
“We’re still okay. And I’m still giving you a lift home after drama club.” He tapped at his keyboard, and I took that as my cue to leave, after a whispered, “thanks” that he didn’t acknowledge.
If only we could choose who we fell for. Life would be so much easier.
After school I’d ridden my bike down to the pier. There was a restlessness within me that I couldn’t escape, no matter how hard I tried. I was hoping that the peacefulness of the beach would sort me out. Stretching out on one of the large flat rocks, my back against the sea wall, I watched the gulls circling overhead. Snapping a quick photo of the birds silhouetted against the darkening sky, I uploaded it to my social media account before sitting back again, breathing in the salty, fresh tang of the sea air. My eyes closed.
“Hi!” The loud croak had my eyes flying open, to see a large bird with shiny black feathers regarding me with one beady eye.
“Did-did you just talk?”
The bird hopped closer. “Hi!” This time there was no mistaking it. A smile spread across my face as I studied the raven. At least, I thought it was a raven. My bird knowledge was pretty much non-existent.
“You can talk. That’s amazing,” I breathed. Why am I talking to a bird?
A clicking noise came from close to me, and I spun my head to see a woman in a long black coat picking her way across the mixture of sand and pebbles towards me. Her dark curls tumbled wildly around her face, and she eyed me with a serene expression, as if she’d expected to find me right here on this quiet stretch of beach in the middle of winter. She clicked her tongue again, and the raven flew from the rock, landing on her shoulder where it cocked its head, still looking at me.
