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Alex stood, knowing he’d lose his temper if he watched her search through this mess for the speech she’d printed out. “I’ll wait outside.”
He stepped out onto the stoop and suddenly wished he still smoked. He hadn’t had a cigarette in ten years, but Jesus, he needed one now. That place made him feel almost panicked, surrounded by all the lies she’d lived with for decades. Any reasonable person would’ve tossed that stuff as soon as the body was found. Why would she want to remind herself that she’d wasted so much time?
At least the front yard was free of that clutter. The grass was neatly cut, and the fall leaves raked away. He wondered if Shane took care of it for her. She certainly didn’t do it herself.
And suddenly there was a memory. Of his father. A real memory, not something filtered through his mother’s twisted mind.
They’d had a decent house back then on a couple of acres with a big barn. During the summer his dad had mowed the lawn on a riding mower. Shane and Alex had each begged to be taken for a ride. He’d always made them play rock-paper-scissors to see who went first.
But that last year, just a few weeks before he’d disappeared, his dad had started teaching Alex how to use the mower. Alex could still remember the pride and nervousness that had filled his chest as he’d sat between his dad’s knees and steered the mower. “You have to remember it’s n
ot a toy,” his dad had said every single time. “You could hurt yourself or someone else. You have to take care.”
He’d taken care.
Unlike Shane, Alex hadn’t had a lot in common with their dad. Alex hadn’t liked training horses or camping or ranching. But riding on that stupid lawn mower, they’d bonded.
He could still remember the hot sun and the sharp scent of grass that cut through the duller cloud of diesel, and his dad’s big hands over his, showing him how to shift and steer and lift the blades during turns on the driveway.
And over the nearly deafening roar of the motor, his dad’s voice in his ear. “Good job, Alex. I think you’re better at this than I am. Next year it’s all yours.”
The next year it had been. But only until the bank had taken the house.
But for those few weeks, it had been the two of them, doing that chore together, sharing that time.
That was a real memory.
God, he wished he had a cigarette.
A bright flash of color drew his eye, and Alex caught sight of Sophie walking from her front door toward the street. Her head turned and she hesitated, but even from this distance, Alex could see her tentative smile when he raised a hand. She waved back, then turned away, heading the opposite way down the street, probably to avoid his mother’s house. But Alex still watched as she got farther away, his gaze glued to the vivid pink of her skirt as she walked.
The way she moved was already familiar to him. Something in her walk and the sway of her hips and the way she tipped her head. He’d recognize her just by her shadow, and even that shadow would make his heart trip just like it did now.
He didn’t want to leave her behind.
Alex looked away from her just before she disappeared around the corner.
It didn’t matter what he wanted. He was leaving. There was no question of that. But the feeling shook him. Even when he’d loved Andrea, he’d always felt a secret relief when it had been time to get back to work. A feeling that he was moving on, even when he knew he’d be returning.
He didn’t feel any relief about this goodbye, but that was probably an illusion. He could let himself feel attached because he knew he wasn’t. He’d known from the start that it would be nothing.
Then again, he’d had plenty of nothing in the past, and it hadn’t ever crept into him like this. He was actually taking a step down to follow her when a hand fell on his shoulder.
“Are you going to ride with us?” Shane asked.
“No, thanks. I’ll take the bike.”
“But if...” Shane paused for a moment, then cleared his throat. “Sure. Looks like a nice day for it.”
Alex started down the steps, but paused halfway down. He turned to face his brother, noticing then how much Shane looked like their dad. His eyes, of course, and the hard edge of his jaw, but he had his calmness, too. That steady strength. He definitely hadn’t had it at nineteen. Alex would never know when he’d grown into it, because he hadn’t been around to see.
“Thanks,” Alex finally said. “I’ll meet you there.”
His mother called out, but Alex walked away and left Shane to deal with it. For the first time, he could feel that it wasn’t right, but he kept going. He wouldn’t know how to go back if he wanted to.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
THREE MEN WERE looking at the Providence ghost town display when Sophie walked in. There was a flyer for the dedication ceremony taped to the glass. When the men turned at the sound of the door closing behind her, she saw that they were all firemen from next door.
