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I said it before I even thought about it:
“Giving in.”
She looked at me like I was insane. “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of.”
She was right. It kind of was.
So I just went onto other reasons.
“I shouldn’t do this.”
“Says who?”
“It’s like sleeping my way to the top. Which is basically the only reason I got this job.”
“Or not sleeping your way to the top, in this particular case.”
“You know what I mean.”
“Better to sleep your way to the top than to be like me and sleep your way to the middle.”
“You’re doing pretty well.”
“Yeah, and you could be, too, dummy. What are you really afraid of?”
I sat there and thought about it for a long moment.
“…maybe knowing that I should have made a different choice… that maybe I shouldn’t have left him, and now it’s too late. Or maybe I’m afraid I’ll sleep with him because I won’t be able to stop myself – and I’ll find out this amazing experience I had… this amazing couple of weeks that were probably the best in my entire life… that it was all bullshit. That he’s just another guy, and after he tosses me aside he’s going to go sleep with his thousands of groupies, and that I never meant anything to him at all… except I was the one girl he didn’t sleep with four years ago.”
“He didn’t sleep with me, either,” Shanna pointed out.
“You know what I mean.” I paused to take another sip of wine, and then I asked, “I had to take 20th Century Literature at Syracuse, and we had to read The Sound And The Fury by William Faulkner… you ever read that?”
Shanna gave me a look like Are you serious?
“Even if I had to, do you really think I would’ve?”
“Stupid question,” I admitted. “Okay, so, in The Sound And The Fury there’s this character named Jason Compson who’s been taking care of his niece for 17 years. Her mother Candace had her out of wedlock back when that was really scandalous, and had to leave their town in Mississippi in disgrace. So for 17 years Mom’s been out traveling the world and living this crazy, decadent life, sleeping with rich men – ”
“Sounds like my kind of chick,” Shanna said.
“Yeah, actually, she was. Anyway, Candace has been sending Jason checks to support her daughter for years and years and years… but Jason burns them.”
“Why does he do that?!” Shanna asked, shocked.
“He hates his sister and doesn’t want her money.”
“Money’s money, I don’t care how much he hates her – ”
“Never mind. Shush. Anyway, Jason’s mother doesn’t want to burn them, but Jason says that if he cashes one of those checks, even one of them, then he’s lost all that money he’s been burning all those years. But if he keeps burning them, then the money’s not real… and he never has to deal with how much he’s lost.”
Of course, I didn’t mention that Jason was an asshole, and that he’s only burning copies of the checks, and that he’s doing it to scam his mother so he can spend all the money on himself instead of his niece. It would have taken too long to explain, and it would have muddied the waters.
But the central analogy was sound.
Shanna narrowed her eyes. “So you’re saying…”
“I’m saying if I never see him again, then I never have to deal with everything I could have had. But if I go back and there’s still something between us… then I’ve lost… so much…”
“Orrrrr you could cash the check and at least have a couple of bucks instead of a pile of worthless ashes,” Shanna said in an offhand manner. “Which is basically what all your ‘might have beens’ are.”
Just like four years ago, her words were a slug to the gut.
I stared at her, my mouth slightly agape.
“BOOM,” Shanna said with a grin. “Got all insightful on you, didn’t I?”
I gave her a reproachful look. “I don’t think you understand – ”
“Oh, I understand plenty. You’ve got all your fancy shmancy reasons, Kaitlyn, but you know what you’re really afraid of?”
My stomach twisted. “What?”
“Getting hurt.”
I thought about saying Everybody’s afraid of getting hurt, but then I considered who I was talking to, and how she lived her life like no one was watching.
So instead I copped out.
“No I’m not.”
“Yeah you are. That’s what it boils down to: you’re afraid to get hurt. And especially by the one guy in the world who can really, really hurt you.”
