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Then I remembered that I wasn’t in the bed alone.
All the memories of the night before – ‘99 Problems,’ his ignoring me at the after-party, our final conversation before going to bed – played out in my mind.
Even though I was angry again, I didn’t want the sun to wake him. I looked over at the other side of the bed –
But he wasn’t there.
He was sitting in a chair on the other side of the room, quietly pulling on his boots.
“…what are you doing?” I asked groggily.
He looked up. “Did I wake you up?”
“…no… I…”
The details began to register in my foggy brain.
He was already dressed, for one.
I looked at the alarm clock by the bed.
9:28 AM.
Derek was never up at this time of the morning.
“What… what’s wrong?” I asked, puzzled.
“Nothing.”
“Why are you dressed?”
He was quiet for a moment, as though steeling himself. Then he said simply, “I need to get out for a little bit.”
Dread began to rise in my chest.
I sat up.
“…why?”
“I just need a little space.”
“At 9:30 in the morning?!”
He stood up, walked over to the bed, and sat down beside me.
I had conflicting desires. Part of me wanted to withdraw from him, to physically move away, because he was scaring me, and I resented him for it; the other part wanted to throw my arms around his neck and never let go.
I ended up doing nothing but staring at him.
“I just need a little space,” he said. His face was a blank mask, neutral and composed.
I couldn’t tell if it was the words or his expression that frightened me more.
“…are you… are you breaking up with me?!” I asked, my voice trembling.
“No!” he said, and reached out his hand to my arm. “No. I just need a little space, that’s all. A little time apart.”
The touch of his skin on mine felt warm, reassuring.
His words were meant to be, but felt anything but.
“Why do you need space?”
He sighed. “Because we fight so goddamn much.”
I wanted to yell, If you stopped looking at other women and flirting with them and being a dick –
But I knew that would be the end of it, that he would just walk out on me.
So I caved.
I’m not proud of it now, but at that moment, it seemed like the only option I had. I was terrified of him walking out that door.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
He smiled and brushed the hair away from my face. “It’s both of our faults. I’ve never had a girlfriend before. I’m not real good at it.”
“You’re good at it,” I said – a little white lie. Actually a big white lie, but I wanted to keep him there no matter the cost.
I moved right up next to him and put my arms around him. He held onto me, drew me in closer.
“We’ve just been spending so much time together,” he murmured. “I think that’s the problem. Twenty-four hours a day for the last five weeks… no wonder we’re fighting all the time. I just want to back it off for a little bit, take a breather.”
It sounded reasonable.
It sounded logical.
…so why was I so afraid?
“But… what about…”
“What about what?”
“Your plans… everybody’s leaving today…”
“We’ll stay in Vegas till I figure it out. You stay here – I’ll talk to Miles, get it set up. You can go to the spa, go shopping, whatever you want. Just charge it all to the room. I’ll be back in a day or two, I just need to get my head clear. Then we’ll spend a couple days going crazy. Crazy fun, I mean.” He pulled back, looked me in the eyes. “Okay?”
I was so, so afraid.
But what else could I do but say ‘yes’?
He wasn’t breaking up with me.
He wasn’t ‘leaving’ me.
He just wanted a little time apart.
I mean, we had been together so much, it had become claustrophobic in a way. I just hadn’t seen it until now because I wanted him so badly. No matter how miserable he might make me, I wanted him.
Which was scary to admit to myself.
There was something even scarier.
“…you’re not doing this to go party with… other women, are you?” I asked quietly.
He grinned. “If I wanted to do that, I would have done it last night. I would’ve just not come home.”
Come home.
I was ‘home.’
I relaxed a little.
“You promise?”
“I promise.”
“No other women?”
“No other women.”
“No strip clubs?”
“No strip clubs.”
“No… groupies, or whatever?”
“No groupies, no fans, no call girls, no topless Vegas shows. You want to add in no nuns, too?” he teased.
I glared at him, then caught myself. Glaring at him too much had gotten me into this mess in the first place.
“Then what’re you going to do?”
“I don’t know. Probably gamble some. Drink some. Maybe call up some friends in LA, see if they want to come out and party.”
My immediate thought was, You could do that with me, but I didn’t say it out loud.
“But no women,” I reiterated.
He held his hand like he was taking the oath in court. “No women. You want to check for a Gideon Bible in the night table so I can swear on that?”
That’s not a bad idea.
“No,” I murmured, and leaned my head against his neck. “I’m going to miss you…”
“I’m going to miss you, too,” he said soothingly, “but it’s only for a couple of days. I think we need this. I think we’ll both be in a better mood when I get back.”
“…yeah…”
He put his hand on my chin and tilted up my head, then leaned in and kissed me. Softly, sweetly.
For a moment all was right with the world, and I lost myself in that kiss.
Then he pulled away and winked. “Don’t have too much fun without me.”
“You either.”
He grinned. “I won’t.”
“…okay…”
He leaned in and kissed me one more time, a delicate brushing of his lips on mine.
“See you soon.”
He got up, gave me one last smile as he reached the edge of the room, and then walked out.
For a couple of minutes I just sat there numbly, thinking What the hell just happened?
Then I lay back down in the bed and cried silently into my pillow.
108
After an hour moping around in bed feeling sorry for myself, I decided to seize the opportunity. I would make the most of my solo flight! I would go have fun! I would have an awesome time recharging my batteries – alone!
I was a good enough liar that I was able to get myself out of bed, shower, and go down to breakfast without crying again.
After three mimosas, and feeling my spirits temporarily lifted, I decided to go see what the rest of the band was doing.
Up in the penthouse, Killian was standing amongst a pile of suitcases playing his guitar. Ryan was sitting at his laptop, and Riley was nowhere to be seen.
“You’re leaving already?” I asked Killian.
“Got a noon flight to Heathrow,” he nodded, and took a puff on his joint.
I remembered the stories Ryan had told me about Dr. Killian turning into Mr. Hyde… but wasn’t sure if I was supposed to let on that I knew. So I just said jokingly, “How are you going to survive the entire flight without any weed?”
“Private jet,” Killian informed me. “Do anything I want on it, short of bring it down over the ocean.”
I looked at him, stunned. “You got a private jet just so you could smoke out the whole way there?”
“Perks of being a rock star, luv.”
“Wow… I thought Derek buying a car was crazy…”
Killian looked momentarily confused. “I didn’t buy it. It’s just the one flight.”
“Ohhhh… okay, well, that’s better.”
“Although, that might be an idea worth considering,” Killian mused, and glanced over at Ryan. “Perhaps a group purchase by the band?”
“No,” Ryan said, never looking up from his laptop screen.
“Why’d you look at Ryan?” I asked.
Killian shrugged. “He handles 75% of the money, doesn’t he? After Miles’s cut, of course.”
Ryan’s, Derek’s, and –
“That’s right – you handle Riley’s, too!” I exclaimed, suddenly remembering her conversation on the phone with her sister.
Ryan sighed. “…yes.”
“Are you sure you’re a rock star and not an accountant?”
He laughed. “Sure feels like it sometimes.”
I turned back to Killian. “Well… enjoy your private ganja tour,” I teased him.
He smiled. “I shall.”
“What about when you get in, though? You can’t exactly walk into Customs with a bunch of marijuana, right?”
“No, that would be frowned upon by the authorities. But I’ve got a bloke standing by with a care package and a private car.”
I laughed again and shook my head. “You’re one of a kind, Killian.”
“I’ll take that as a compliment.”
Miles suddenly barged in the room.
“Well, the car’s ready – ah, you,” he said on seeing me. “Seems the thorn’s not out of my paw yet.”
