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She inhaled, trying to loosen the fear from her chest. She’d woken every day sure that things would get better. That her situation would improve. But there’d been no one to save her. No reprieve.
Until Caleb’s stepfather had offered to help. She squeezed her eyes shut. She couldn’t tell Caleb that part. Ever.
“All our belongings were sold off,” she said quickly, wanting the story over. “I had nothing left. Nowhere to live. No way to support myself. No skills. No family.”
“You had me,” he bit out. “I could have been here in a matter of weeks. Days, if I caught the train from Frisco.”
Regret clawed through her. “I thought…I was sure you weren’t coming back.”
“Why?” he barked. “What did I ever do to make you think that?”
“You left. After I begged you not to!” She tried to calm her pulse by taking deep breaths before she spoke again. “You left for two years and you were doing God knows what in California. Yes, I lost faith, Caleb. I was scared. I had nothing. Not even a promise that you’d marry me.”
“You knew I meant to.”
She sat up and faced him, anger spilling out of her throat into words. “You meant to? You told me if I met someone better I should marry him. You meant to let me go.”
“I never did.”
“Then you should have married me instead of running off to chase a fortune!”
“This isn’t my fault!” he yelled. “I did what I said I would. I worked myself half to death. To buy land and a house. If you’d only kept faith for a few more months, we could have…” He shut his mouth and cradled his head in hands. His shoulders fell as he let out a silent breath.
She knew what he’d meant to say. They could have married. Could have gone away and had their own little place where they could touch each other as much and as often as they wanted.
But she hadn’t believed in him. She’d been angry when he’d left, but she’d gotten over it quickly. She’d waited for him. She’d never planned for any other future except being his wife. Then the months had turned to years, and she’d gotten lost somehow. And his stepfather had happily led her deeper into the darkness.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “When you didn’t respond to my last letter, I just…”
“Just decided to do this?”
“No, I…it wasn’t like that. Someone…approached me. He offered to pay. For my first time.”
The side of his face tightened when he grimaced. “How much?”
Jessica swallowed. It was complicated. There was the house and the land, and… “More than I could have earned in years as a teacher or laundress or lady’s companion. I did it so I could have security.”
“And it was so easy, you decided to keep doing it?”
Easy. Easy to lie there and let a man hurt you. “No. No, it wasn’t easy.”
“Jesus, Jessica,” he whispered.
“It wasn’t easy,” she repeated, lying back down to pull the covers tight.
“I’m sorry,” he said so quietly that she wasn’t sure she’d heard it. She froze, holding her breath, wanting to ask if he’d really apologized to her, but she couldn’t. She knew that whisper was the only concession she’d get from him. He was sorry for what she’d done to herself or sorry he’d left in the first place. She couldn’t tell which. Thunder rolled over them again. She turned her face to the pillow.
His hand felt hot against her shoulder when he touched her. “Who was it?” he asked.
She didn’t want to talk about this anymore. There was nothing she could tell him. She shook her head.
“Who was it?” he repeated. “There are only two thousand people in this town, and I mean to find out which one it was.”
She kept quiet.
“Someone with money,” he growled.
“It doesn’t matter,” she said.
