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“I want to hate you,” he said, his voice more fierce. “I did hate you.”
“I know.”
“I should, shouldn’t I?” He looked so confused that she almost reached to touch his face, to comfort him. “If I don’t hate you, then what?”
She shook her head and made herself speak. “Go back to California and hate me.”
“I can’t forgive you!” He bit the words out as if she’d asked for them, as if she’d forced him to be ugly, and Jessica felt something break inside her. She almost heard the snap as she pulled the covers close and rolled to face the wall again.
“This wasn’t your first time,” she managed to say calmly, even as that dark, liquid anger spread to fill every part of her again.
“What?”
“You’ve fucked before.” It wasn’t a question. He’d known what to do.
“I… Only once.” The knowledge of it settled heavily over her.
“A whore?”
He breathed out slowly. “Jess—”
“I’m not the first whore you’ve fucked, am I?”
He didn’t want to answer. His silence made that clear. He didn’t want to admit his hypocrisy, but he couldn’t stay quiet forever. He finally spoke. “No.”
“No,” she repeated, just to be sure they both heard it again.
“I went to a place in California. Mostly I…I mean, I only did the whole thing once.”
“So you let other whores suck your cock?” she spat out.
“It meant nothing. It was just…”
“Just what?” she asked, turning to face him as her mouth stretched in a tight grin that had nothing to do with joy. “Just nothing for you, but somehow everything for me.”
“I don’t understand.”
Jessica sat up, keeping the sheet clutched to her chest to shield herself. “You can visit whores and feel just fine about that, but what I did is unforgiveable.”
“You’re a woman,” he said, as if that explained it all. “It’s not the same.”
“No!” She barked a laugh at his earnestness. “No, it’s definitely not the same. I did this to save myself. Why did you do it?”
“What do you mean?” He sat up slowly, his face wary.
She laughed again and it burned her throat. “I can’t believe you made me feel so low. You’re all evil. All of you. You’ll fuck a whore and then condemn her for it. How else are women supposed to earn money in this world? A woman has nothing if she doesn’t have a father or a husband.”
“Don’t you blame this on me,” he growled. “You were supposed to marry me. If you didn’t want that, you could have found work.”
Jess climbed from the bed, taking the sheet to wrap it around herself. Let him lie there exposed. “Found work as what? A teacher? I’ve never taught anyone or even been around children long enough to call myself a governess. And if I could’ve gotten work, I’d likely have ended up forced under my new employer as thoroughly as I’ve been under you!”
“That doesn’t make it right to sell your body, Jess.”
“It doesn’t make it right for you to buy it either, but you’ve done that, haven’t you?”
“Men have needs,” he snapped, but she cut him off with a furious slash of her hand. The anger was bubbling in her now, boiling up, overflowing.
“Men have needs,” she sneered. “The need for pleasure and debauchery. Do you know what a woman’s needs are? Food and shelter and a bed. You want me to be ashamed? Me? I did it for money, but you’ll soil yourself for the sheer sin of it, and you say you can’t forgive me?”
