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DAUGHTER
Lady ’Stache Off. Isn’t that what you use to sanitize our toilets?
MOM
(laughing) It does both! And now, with new Lady ’Stache Off’s triple beauty action™, you can moisturize and self-tan while you rip that unsightly hair from every pore.
DAUGHTER
Wow! (biting lip) Does new Lady ’Stache Off with triple beauty action™ hurt?
MOM
Oh, honey, of course it hurts! Beauty is pain. But you don’t want to look like a troll, do you?
DAUGHTER
Mom!
MOM
It’s more than that, sweetheart. Every time you use new Lady stache off with triple beauty action™, you’ are contributing to our ecoonomy, our way of life. Don’t you want to be a contributor to our economy? Don’t you want to make sure we can have bikinis, cable, and p**n ? What are you, a communist?
DAUGHTER
Mo-o-om!
MOM
(Smiling and hugging)
Of course not! You’re my eager-to-please teenage daughter with a hair maintenance problem, and I am your sympathetic mom here to help you. In addition to new Lady ’Stache Off with triple beauty action™, there’s also Lady ’Stache Off Organic with bonus buffing pad.
DAUGHTER
There’s an organic hair remover?
MOM
No. Not really. But don’t you love the package? Look, it has butterflies.
DAUGHTER
(holding out hand)
INT. CAR – LATER
(Teen daughter emerges with a freshly plucked upper lip. She also has porcelain teeth veneers, hair extensions, and a body-hugging school uniform. Her skin is artificially tan and shiny.)
MOM
Wow! Look at you! You’re looking great!
DAUGHTER
Thanks to you — and new Lady ’Stache Off with triple beauty action™.
MOM
