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Tiara knew she should feel good that she made everyone smile like when she was little and did her sparkle hips and blew kisses. But she didn’t. She felt like a sellout.
“The good folks at The Corporation there are gonna give y’all a little tour and let you test our new beauty products, and then I have a super surprise for all my Teen Dreamers.” Ladybird Hope paused for dramatic effect. “We would like for you to stage the pageant right there on the island. Isn’t that something?”
The girls exchanged puzzled looks.
“It’ll be a real tribute to what you girls have been through, to let the world see how you triumphed. We think the folks back home would love it. It might be the highest-rated show ever. You girls will be famous!”
“Well, we were kind of hoping to go home as soon as possible …” Adina started.
Ladybird Hope’s expression changed to one of disapproval. “Well. Of course, if that’s what you want. I would just think that you would want to say a big thank-you to the folks who rescued you and be a credit to girls everywhere. But if you don’t want to, we’ll just cancel the pageant this year.”
“No, we’ll do it,” Miss Ohio said.
Ladybird smiled. “Terrific! Oh, I’m so happy. Don’t you worry, it’s going to be great,” Ladybird assured them with a wink.
“When?” Nicole asked.
“Tomorrow night,” Ladybird answered.
“And we could tell them all the stuff we’ve learned about eating grubs and safe sex and vaginas,” Tiara said.
Petra grinned. “Tiara, you said the V word. Gimme five.”
“That would blow their little minds, wouldn’t it?” Jennifer said with a smirk. “Hello, America. My new platform is Kicking Ass, Girl-Style.”
“My goodness, I don’t know what you girls are talking about, but it hurts my ears! So stop it,” Ladybird Hope chided. She put a hand to her heart. “You know what? America needs you girls. It’s no secret the world’s as messed up as a hockey game played on non-Zambonied ice right now. It needs you to smile and wave and remind us that we are a great nation full of pretty. And that we will not allow any threats to our pretty. No matter what.”
On the screen, Ladybird Hope leaned closer to the camera. The angle was not kind. There was a pronounced ridge in her top lip from too much filler. “Now. You Dreams have a nice lunch, and then I believe you need to go shopping.”
45Alexandra’s Clandestine Closet, the number-one lingerie store, whose most popular undergarment is the Bicycle Pump-assiereTM, a bra with built-in tires that can be pumped up to simulate any cup size.
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
Mary Lou’s throat hurt from screaming, but no one could hear her down in this cave near the ocean. She and Tane had been tied together and dangled from a hook, which was slowly lowering them over a piranha-filled tank. Below their feet, the ugly, sharp-toothed fish darted back and forth, waiting to take the two of them down to bones. The rope gave a jerk as it lowered another half inch. A piranha leapt, startling Mary Lou, who screamed.
“You all right?” Tane called.
“Yeah. Those things creep me out. Are you okay?”
“Other than being lowered to my death, yes.”
“At least we’re together.”
“True. But I wish you weren’t here. I wish it were just me and you were safe.”
“Awww, so sweet!” The rope jerked again. “Aaaaahh!”
“At least we’re getting a fancy, Greek mythology–style death. They could have just given us quick bullets to the head. Now we get to die in style,” Tane said.
“Was that supposed to be comforting? Because, no offense, it wasn’t.”
“Nah. I always hated those stories anyway. It’s like, any time a human tries to break out and take action for him-or herself, the gods punish that person. Like Prometheus — he brings Zeus’s fire back from the mountain. He enlightens mankind, and so they chain him to a rock and an eagle eats his liver every day.”
“My mom tried to get me to eat liver at Rita’s Cafeteria one time. I wrapped it in my napkin and flushed it down the toilet.” A piranha surfaced. It snapped its teeth. “Yikes. Okay. Need distraction. Tell me another story.”
“Princess Andromeda was chained to a rock as a virgin sacrifice to stop Poseidon’s sea monster from devouring everything.”
“Wow. They really liked the rock-death thingy,” Mary Lou said. “What did she do wrong?”
