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“You bitches are all so dead!” Harris snarled.
Adina straddled Harris’s legs, hands on her hips. “Uh, Harris? Hate to break it to you, but you’re not in a prime bargaining position. Now. We don’t want to have to hurt you any more. But if you keep threatening us and telling us lies, I will personally give you a Brazilian.”
“She won’t warm the wax first, either,” Petra said.
Tiara shuddered. “I’ve had so many bikini waxes, I cry every time I see a Popsicle stick.”
Harris cackled low. When no one responded, he cackled louder.
“Okay, I’ll bite,” Adina said. “What’s with the creepy laugh?”
“You babes have no idea what’s coming.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. Don’t you misunderestimate me!” Harris bellowed.
“I am totally misunderestimating you. You have no idea what’s happening tomorrow night, college-boy.”
“Oh yeah? So I suppose you know that MoMo B. ChaCha is powering toward this island right now on his yacht. He’s here to make a secret arms deal with The Corporation. Tomorrow, just before the new Miss Teen Dream is crowned, our black shirts dressed as ROC soldiers will charge out of the jungle, gunning down America’s best and brightest beauty queens. We’ll get it all on camera. We will go to war to avenge your deaths and set up a Corporation-run stronghold in the ROC. Ha! Wait. I just said that out loud, didn’t I? Damn.”
“They’re gonna kill us?” Tiara said. “That’s so mean.”
Shanti sat next to Harris. “So let me get this straight: You booted the indigenous people off this land. You screwed up the environment. You tested products on helpless animals. Your ‘Made in America’ label is really made offshore. And now you’re dealing illegal arms to a country we’ve levied sanctions against and you plan to murder us and frame them for it so you can go to war and take over their resources? Any rights you didn’t violate or laws you didn’t break?”
Harris thought for a second. “Our coffee is fair trade.”
“What happened to Mary Lou?” Shanti pressed.
“We took her and her eco-warrior boyfriend and tied them up over a piranha tank and slowly lowered them in.”
Jennifer whistled. “Wow. You really have seen too many Loch Lomond movies.”
“Take us to her right now,” Adina demanded.
“You’re too late. They should be fish food by now.”
“Take us there.”
“No.”
“Yes.”
“No,” Harris said, swiveling his head.
“Yes,” Adina mimicked.
Nicole brandished the hair spray. “Show us where you’ve stashed Mary Lou.”
“I’ve got a pumice stone and I’m not afraid to use it,” Jennifer said.
“Full. Body. Wax,” Petra whispered directly into Harris’s ear.
“Okay! Okay. She’s down below, in the caves.”
“Just for that, you don’t get a gummi bear,” Tiara said and finished off the last one.
Adina yanked Harris to his feet. “Take us there now.”
