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Agent Jones bent over, gasping for breath, his gun resting against his knee for a second. The blonde had given him a sharp kick to the kidneys and sprinted ahead. Agent Jones had lived through a lot in his years with the agency, but tonight marked the absolute nadir. If he didn’t get this under control, his entire career was headed straight for the crapper. No pension. No inscribed pen set. Just the knowledge that he’d been defeated by a pack of teen beauty queens. He flashed on an image of his father in his clown suit just before that final party. In the memory, his old man stood before the hall mirror, the stubble on his cheeks poking through his white face makeup like beach scrub. “Happy birthday,” he’d croaked to his reflection, practicing a smile, but only managing a grimace.
“I’m not making anybody a balloon animal today,” Agent Jones said to himself. He started running, pouring on speed despite the ache in his back. He saw a curve of blond hair poking out from behind a tree just ahead and smiled. At last his luck was turning. He’d take down Miss Texas. Any ambivalence he’d felt about killing these beauty queens had been erased by this one’s relentless campaign against him. She’d come to symbolize everything that was wrong with his mediocre life. Carefully, he crept toward the tree where she was hiding. “Gotcha,” he whispered, reaching out for her. “Ow.” He slapped at his neck where the mosquito had stung him and came away with a needle-thin dart. Before he could react, another hit him in the butt. He looked up to see Taylor pulling the tube from her mouth. His hand reached out and came away with a blond hairpiece. Off to his right, the ghost of his father seemed to be standing in the trees, grinning. And then the jungle began to turn upside down.
The pirates and the girls had made it back to the compound conference room.
“Petra!” Sinjin ran for her. He had not removed her bathrobe.
Petra threw her arms around Sinjin. Then she slapped his face. Then she kissed him.
“What the hell happened?” she demanded. “I ought to kick your ass and break up with you.”
“I know! I’ll explain everything, I swear.” He rubbed his cheek and gave a naughty smile. “Hot! Like a she-cat. Grrrr!”
“Call me a she-cat again and I will kick your ass on principle.”
“Right. Got it.” Sinjin saluted. He hugged Petra. “I was really worried about you.”
“Color me unconvinced,” Petra said.
“When I saw that dead man in the lagoon, I thought the black shirts were after us and that we’d brought further danger to you babes,” Sinjin explained.
“Because it’s all about you,” Adina singsonged.
“I thought if we left, they might follow us and leave you babes alone. And hopefully, we’d make it to a port and get help. Not a great idea, but the best I had at the moment. And then Ahmed discovered a jar of lady hair remover that turned out to be a bomb… .”
“That didn’t work, ’cause whoever engineered it was a moron,” Ahmed finished.
“Anyway, we were heading out to sea when my conscience got the better of me. Bloody inconvenient, having one of those. I thought of my lady love, Miss Petra, back here, eating grubs from the sand, and me wearing her heels on the ship — mind, I looked unbelievable in them, a glam-rock captain of all captains. But there I was on the bow in m’ heels and fishnets, the wind blowing my hair about, all romance-cover hero, making my man ni**les stand up all nice ’n’ twimbly. And I thought, ‘Wait a minute, hold on — why are we running? We can’t do this. We’ve got to face these arsebuckets ourselves.’ So I said, ‘Mates, are we mice or are we men? If those ladies are in trouble, then by Blackbeard, we’ll stand with them and fight. So let’s turn this ship around. One for all and all for one, ladies included, even playing field, what’s fair for the goose is fair for the gander, damn the torpedoes, don’t stop till you get enough, rock the Casbah, God save the Queen, and full speed ahead.’”
“Actually, Cap’n, you said, ‘Cor blimey, I need to take a piss.’ Then you said them other bits,” George said.
Petra put a hand to her heart. “My hero.”
Sinjin kissed Petra’s hands. “Petra, I’ve got me faults. I’m a bit full of m’self and I might steal your clothes on occasion. But I’m loyal and well read and I’ll stand by your side no matter what. Byron’s balls! I’m absolutely barmy for you. Will you have me?”
Petra smirked. “Shut up and kiss me.”
The girls swooned as Petra swept Sinjin up into her arms.
“God, you’re lovely. And quite strong.” Sinjin kissed her hard on the mouth.
“Later. We’ve got to try to upload this video of Ladybird and MoMo,” Mary Lou said.
“Ladybird Hope and The Peacock really did the nasty?” Nicole asked.
“Uh-huh. Don’t remind me. I want to wash my eyeballs. Just … I mean, the hot tub and her crown and the Elvis wig …”
“You are totally scarring me for future sex,” Shanti said.
“She can’t be trusted. She’s in on this.”
“In on it? Little girl, I masterminded it.” Sudden fluorescent light brightened the gloom of the conference room. The flat-screen TV popped on. Ladybird Hope sat behind a replica of the president’s desk in a fake oval office.
“You think she got that from the Delusional Home Furnishings Superstore?” Petra whispered.
“I heard that, Miss Rhode Island,” Ladybird chided.
MoMo pushed Adina and Duff into the room.
