Page 134 of Going Bovine


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Daniel’s really concentrating. “Just tell us what you want, friend. Tell us.”

Thomas buries his head in his hands. “I don’t know. That’s the problem.”

“Here. We’ll help you.” The commando opens the left side of his coat. It’s like a magazine rack of catalogs. Daniel calls them off. “CESSNAB Jeans? CESSNAB Music? CESSNAB Golf? CESSNAB Games?”

“Games?” Gonzo comes out of his safety crouch.

“I’m telling you, I don’t know!” The poor guy’s in a panic. Like he’s lost his happiness and can’t remember where he put it.

Daniel puts a hand on his shoulder. “Thomas. You know what you need? You need to go bowling.”

This is greeted by a chorus of “Amen’s.”

“I don’t think …” Thomas starts, but he’s cut off by the choir.

You’re special.

I’m special.

They’re special.

The whole world’s special, so don’t you forget it.

The Universe wants us

All to be happy,

Full of smiles and all that stuff,

All that stuff

That’s happy and smiley.

So get happy, happy, happy right now!

Get happy, happy, happy right now!

Get happy, happy, happy right now!

“Come with us,” Ruth says, taking Gonzo and me by the hand as Daniel and Thomas lead the way to a set of wide double doors with the winged bowling ball insignia in the middle. Everyone gets quiet.

“What is this place?” I whisper to Ruth.

“This is our church. The Church of Everlasting Satisfaction. And Snack ’N’ Bowl.”

“Amen,” everyone intones, and the doors are opened wide.

“Get the f**k out,” Gonzo says under his breath.

This has to be the biggest friggin’ bowling alley I have ever seen in my life. Just row after gleaming row of well-maintained lanes bordered by litter-free gutters. There’s not a scuff on the floor. An enormous TV screen encased in theater-worthy lightbulbs is suspended from the ceiling.

“Every single one of us knows what it’s like out there,” Daniel says. “The stress. The worrying—am I good enough, strong enough, smart enough, pretty enough? How come Johnny got an A-plus on his paper but I only got a C? Is he better than me?”

“Why does only the winning athlete get a first-place medal?” another kid says, putting “winning” in air quotes.

“Why do bad things happen? There must be a reason for it—something you can avoid doing so you’ll never, ever be sad,” a girl in saddle shoes says.

A kid with a bowling ball tattoo on his arm speaks up. “Why shouldn’t we all just be happy all the time?”

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