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“I do nothing of the kind!”
“—who needs protection because she can’t handle herself!”
“I want to protect you because I love you!”
“I believe that,” I said, working to rein in my temper. Because he had to get this. I had to be able to explain this, or we were through. I loved him—so much—but I wasn’t going to live like this. I wasn’t going to be the little woman to be cherished and lied to and protected, while her man went out to face the world’s terrors alone—
And didn’t come back.
That wasn’t who I was; wasn’t who I could be, even if I’d wanted to. Dhampirs ran on adrenaline and anger and action, needing combat as much as they needed air. Yes, I got beat up sometimes, even a lot of the time, but I came through it; I always had. And even if, someday, I didn’t, I’d rather die fighting by my husband’s side that sitting at home, wringing my hands, and waiting for news that would kill me anyway.
Not to mention the fact that we were at war. Did he really think I’d be that much safer back home? There was no safety anymore, except for what we provided each other.
I just wished I knew the words to get him to see that.
I walked back over and knelt beside him. I took his hands in mine, stupidly huge things that they were, because this was a last-ditch effort so I might as well go for broke. “I believe that,” I told him again. “But I also believe that you see me as someone who you give information to when you feel like it, who you protect whether she likes it or not, and who you make decisions for. That’s a problem.”
Louis-Cesare didn’t say anything for a long moment, although his eyes searched my face. That was good. I wanted him thinking.
Whether it would do any good, I honestly didn’t know.
“I don’t know how,” he finally said, and then stopped himself and thought some more. I waited. His eyes found the floor and he stared at it for a long time, before finally looking up at me. “I assume that you want complete honesty?”
“Yes.”
“Even if you won’t like it?”
“Yes.”
He nodded. “Very well, then. The truth is, that I don’t know how to be the partner you want. I have never been a partner—to anyone. I was a burden to my family; Christine was a burden to me.” He paused again, and then continued in a rush. “I try, but I tell you truly, if breaking up with you would keep you safe, if I knew that it would, I would do it. If locking you away would keep you safe, I would do it. If making you hate me was the only way—”
I stopped him with a hand on his cheek, because I already knew all this. His actions lately had made it more than apparent. I just didn’t know why.
“Where is all this coming from?”
“You have to a
sk?” His hand pushed up the bottom of my jeans enough to show the tell-tale scar on my calf. His finger traced it, the touch gentle, barely there. But I felt it down to my bones because of the expression on his face. “I did this to you—”
“You didn’t know—”
He quieted me with a look. He meant this, all the way from his soul. “I did this. I wasn’t strong enough to wrest back control, and keep you safe. Just as I wasn’t strong enough in that alley, or in that tomb. I know you say it was not my fault, but it was my hand on the sword, and my negligence the other times. I did this.”
He put a hand in his hair, pushing it up, looking slightly deranged. I’d known that this had been playing on his mind; I’d caught glimpses, here and there, and been paying enough attention to interpret half cut off words. But I hadn’t realized it was this bad.
He looked up at me, and the blue eyes were tortured. “But I also know that leaving would not keep you safe, either. I do not know what will, and it tears at me.”
I put a hand on his shoulder, and felt the strain there. It was like touching steel with a thin veneer of flesh on top. Everything I’d needed to know was in that one touch.
But I still didn’t have the words to make it better.
“I’ve been around a long time,” I finally said.
“Yes, as a dhampir assassin nobody knew. You’re playing on a different level now. You know this.”
“Yes, I know this. I know something else, too.”
He looked at me.
