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“Deal.” He sighed, staring into his empty tumbler. “What a shitty day. It started so well, then…” He frowned and turned to Beck. “Where the fuck did you find Zelda and the sex donkey? Christ, man… Tell me she was a joke.”
Despite everything, Beck had to smile. “She’s for real, at least according to Pike.”
“You got her number from him? Now I’m really glad I punched that asshole.”
“You and me both. Actually, I wanted to high-five you for that. He deserved what you gave him.”
“Thanks.”
Silence fell. Beck stood. Was there anything left to say? “I guess…I’ll talk to you later.”
Seth set his glass aside and got to his feet, then headed for the door. “Later.”
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
If the weekend without Beck and Seth had been miserable, coming to the hospital on Monday morning had been even worse. She was exhausted. After a double shift at Bazookas and insomnia last night, followed by her father’s well-meaning questions this morning, Heavenly felt as if every ounce of energy and happiness had been wrung from her boneless body. She’d done the right thing in letting them go. But returning to her bleak, empty world after they’d shown her romance and awakened the woman inside her was annihilating her. With them, she’d crossed boundaries, been brave, felt more excitement than she’d ever dared to imagine. She’d actually had something besides duty to live for.
Now it was all gone. Everything was gray again.
Would being committed to them be so terrible? the devil on her shoulder asked.
After all, look at Raine.
Heavenly closed her eyes and sighed. Yes, the woman seemed happy and loved…but she was in charge of a house, responsible for two men…and soon twins. At the idea of adding all of that on top of her father, fear gripped Heavenly’s throat. Insecurity nipped at her heels, too. Raine made managing it all look so simple. But Heavenly wasn’t Raine. How would she ever please two men who had decades of experience when she had none? She’d said yes to dating them, thinking she’d have some adventure, show some gumption. What was the harm in that?
What an idiot.
And the closer the clock crept toward the lunch hour, the more dread filled her. Beck had texted minutes ago, asking if she was coming to the cafeteria. It had crushed her to send back a simple No.
Suddenly, Kathryn was beside her with prying eyes, forcing her to hold in miserable tears. “What’s the matter? Did your love boat with Dr. Beckman hit an iceberg?”
Heavenly bit back a nasty retort. Her father had raised her not to say anything at all if she had nothing nice to say. “Did you need something, Nurse Hitch?”
“Deliver this note to the chaplain.” The brunette shoved an envelope in her hands.
Thirty minutes later, Heavenly returned, glad to have had even a few moments away from that sow. But now that she had only busywork to do, heartbreak was setting in again.
Behind her, the double doors opened. She turned—and almost fell apart when she saw Beck coming straight toward her, tray of steaming food in hand.
Her knees buckled. Her heart stopped. Even though she’d left him with almost no explanation, he was bringing her lunch?
He handed her the plate. She took it with numb fingers, aching to touch him instead. “What’s this?”
“No matter what, I’m going to make sure you eat.” Beck scanned her face, gaze drilling down into her. “I see you’re not sleeping.”
After thinking about him for days, being so close yet so far away now was hard, but his unexpected caring ripped her chest wide open. “You’re not, either.”
It was obvious. His red-rimmed eyes and sunken cheeks told her he was suffering. Gosh, the guilt… She’d suspected she had hurt him, but seeing the pain she’d caused undid her.
“I can’t. Every time I close my eyes, all I see is you.”
She wished he’d stop talking almost as much as she wished he wouldn’t. His hoarse confession was an awful, sweet agony. But she had nothing to give him, so the worst thing she could do now was leave him with hope.
“Thank you, but you don’t have to worry about me anymore. Please take care of yourself.” Not touching him felt foreign, and it was a good thing her hands were full or she would have been weak.
“You’re welcome, but I’m not letting you walk out of my life for good unless you look me in the eye and tell me you don’t love me.”
His words punched through her chest and squeezed her heart. Her knees almost gave way. Silently, she pleaded with him not to make such a demand. Beck only leaned closer, his stare like a crowbar.
An orderly brushed by them, followed by one of the interns reading the tablet in her hands. Kathryn strolled past with a sniff, on her way to her locker, probably to retrieve her purse for lunch. Jennifer and Marcella followed, obviously more than a little curious.
