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The hopeful look on her face and the tenderness of the moment brought something from deep within rising up and it wasn’t good. He felt panicky and for a moment had trouble breathing. He tried to stay focused on her, but couldn’t.
Rachel called it ‘building walls’.
Maybe some things had changed, but others hadn’t, like how he felt about any kind of serious relationship with Rachel.
His gaze skated past her eyes, to her hair, to the feathers of his wings, to anything but Rachel. “I’m sure it will all make sense in time.” Even his voice sounded dull.
She caught his face with her hands, forcing him to look at her. “Duncan, don’t leave me. I can feel you drifting away, like you always have. Duncan, please don’t do this.”
But there was nothing he could do as the familiar panic spread through his chest. His breathing hitched. She would leave him one day. She always left. Women left.
He needed a way out. He couldn’t remain in this bed with Rachel.
His mind shifted swiftly to the black ops team. There was so much to be done, battles to be fought, an even tougher war to win against Chustaffus, his minions, and the three generals.
“Duncan, please. Don’t do this.” She gripped his shoulders hard now, trying to hold on.
Her voice seemed so distant as he pulled out of her. “I have to get back to work. I need to contact my old squad, see if they want to join up. You remember Owen.” He was saying ridiculous things, blocking Rachel out, holding her at bay, like he always did.
He leaned back and after three deep breaths, he drew his wings into his wing-locks.
“I don’t give a fuck about Owen.”
He glanced down at Rachel. She was angry. And that was typical as well.
But her anger fired his. “I suppose you’re going to yell now, like you always do.”
She sat up and began hitting his thighs with her fists. “You disappeared. You always disappear when we get close and I hate you for that.”
Rachel was getting hysterical again. “And I hate it when you act like such a needy female.”
~ ~ ~
His words finished the moment for Rachel, reminding her why she had broken up with him the last time and why she’d promised herself never to get involved with him again. She knew she wasn’t any such thing as a ‘needy female’. He’d used those words to hurt her so he could create the distance he needed to feel safe.
He wouldn’t even look at her, and like at least a dozen times before, it was business as usual. He slid off the bed and headed into the bathroom. A moment later, the shower was running.
She folded a washcloth into her hand from the bathroom and slid it between her legs.
She was completely on her own. Again. Well, he’d just made all her decisions supremely easy. Like hell she was joining Luken’s black ops team or spending one more second working alongside Duncan.
“Rachel?”
“What?” she snapped, all out of patience.
“Something’s wrong.”
She moved into the bathroom, and found that he’d left the shower and was drying off. He looked really perplexed, worried.
“What’s going on?” Though she hardly cared.
“There’s a buzzing in my head.”
“How unfortunate.” She moved past him, dropping the washcloth in the hamper. She turned one of the shower heads on to let the water warm up once more. She wrapped her hair up in a towel and hopped in, washing between her legs and everywhere else as though trying to get rid of the recent experience.
She didn’t give a fuck that Duncan’s head was buzzing. She hoped it turned into a serious pain and stayed with him for a decade.
He said nothing more.
