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Returning to Rachel, he watched as a slight amount of color entered her cheeks. Because of the team working on her, he couldn’t get close, but
he could hold her gaze. “I hurt,” she whispered.
Those words broke him because it meant she would live. Hot, stinging tears flowed down his cheeks. He nodded to her in response and kept wiping at his face with the palms of his hands.
He sent, Just focus on healing.
She closed her eyes once more.
Duncan had never truly understood the nature of love, either being loved or loving someone in return. Mostly, he didn’t know how. He’d had every fine emotion beat out of him by the time he was seven, except for one thing, one memory. When he was little, his mother had often said to him: I will always carry you in my heart, no matter where I am.
The problem was, the only thing he knew how to do well in his relationship with Rachel was the physical. Having sex with her was what he called love, though it wasn’t, not really. Yet sex was the one place he was free to express what he knew was in his heart.
The recent lovemaking with her had been better than ever and they’d had many previous, extraordinary moments together in bed. But earlier at his lakeside home, almost as soon as he’d released, he’d shut down all his emotions, withdrawing from her.
Rachel called it ‘throwing up walls’, and it was exactly like that.
But tonight, Rachel had almost died and if they’d been in the field, she’d be dead. Endelle’s instant communication system had saved the day, bringing in Horace quickly and then his team and Fiona.
The thought of losing Rachel was more than he could bear.
Maybe it was the breh-hedden, but he wanted to try to have a real relationship with her.
Rachel?
She opened her eyes and shifted her head to look at him.
Better? he asked.
Much. Duncan, are those tears in your eyes?
There was no point in lying. I almost lost you.
Her breathing had normalized and he could see she had very little pain now. Fiona’s amplification of Horace’s healing power had worked swiftly.
A moment later, Horace stiffened again as Fiona separated from him. Fiona awoke slowly as she came back to herself. She sat up and took several deep breaths, but looked depleted from the experience.
Horace immediately got back to the business of continuing to heal Rachel. But he also directed part of his team to take care of Owen’s arm and the minor cuts most of them had from flying shrapnel.
When he glanced back at Rachel, she was staring at him and tears now slid down the side of her face. Duncan, I’m so sorry, but I don’t think I can move forward with you. And it’s not the battle or that I got wounded. It’s us. It hurts too much to be with you, yet not really with you.
Only one thought went through Duncan’s head: he couldn’t lose her.
But what could he do about it?
“I want to try.” He’d said the words out loud and with enough force that all activity in the room stopped.
In any other circumstance, he would have been embarrassed. But there was something about Rachel being that close to death that made him not care what anyone thought.
Rachel frowned. “Do you want to talk about this later?”
He shook his head. “No. I’ll say this in front of all these people, because dammit, I want things to be different. I love you. I just don’t know how to show it. You see?”
More tears tracked down the side of her face. “I do.”
Horace gestured quietly for the healer nearest Duncan to move out of the way. Duncan sank down next to Rachel and took her hand once more in his, kissing her fingers. “I can’t make promises, but I want to try. There’s just been so much … ”
“I know. I’ve always believed in your intentions and it hasn’t been all your fault. My husband ruined me for warriors. Tell me you know what I’m talking about.”
