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It’s weird. So much has changed in the last few months. Changes that I never wanted, but I’m finding with life, I’ve not really been given a choice either. I miss Gavin so much that it has settled into my body like a permanent ache.
Wally gave me a number—a cellphone that Gavin used to call him on. I tried to call it a couple of times. He didn’t answer the first time and the second, the phone was disconnected. I got up the nerve to call Agent Dern once. He told me Gavin was doing good and praised me for doing the right thing.
I couldn’t very well beg him to tell Gavin to come and get me after that. Instead, I hung up. I miss Jules so much that I don’t even know how to express it. There are times in one’s life that you truly need your best friend. Right now I need mine so much there are no words. I don’t know how to get past the loss I feel. There’s a hole in my heart where her and Gavin both resided. She was my best friend. Now she’s gone, and I will never get her back. No one can replace her. I just don’t understand why.
“I’m sorry, Luna.”
“It doesn’t matter,” I tell him and it’s true. Nothing really matters anymore. I put the crackers on the bench beside me, unable to stomach more than a bite.
“I’m still sorry. Can I do anything to make it better?”
“Do you hear from Gavin?”
Only Gavin could make things better. I miss him. I ache so deeply to hear his voice. To have him call me Moonbeam. Mom called me that one day and I lost it. I blew up at her and she didn’t understand why. I never told her.
How could I explain it to her without giving away my secret?
“You need to forget him, Luna.”
“I love him, Attie.”
I will always love Gavin.
“Yeah well, he obviously didn’t love you. If he did, he never would have left you.”
“I pushed him away.” I did this to myself–to all of us. Gavin, me and our baby.
“Doesn’t matter. If you were my girl, Luna, I’d never leave your side. No matter what, I’d never give up on you.”
I’ll never be your girl or anyone’s for that matter.
But, I don’t tell him that.
I’m at the park today, trying to soak up the sunshine, and mostly trying to figure out what I’m going to do. Despite what I told Atticus, I’m not going to be able to keep hiding my pregnancy. I’m going to have to tell my mom. I’m going to have to figure out what I’m going to do about college… life…. And somehow, I’m going to have to give up Gavin. I thought after three months without a word from him, it would have gotten easier.
It hasn’t.
It’s just been harder. Every day I wake up, I miss him more.
“Luna! Did you hear?” Meghan comes running toward us.
“Hear what?” Atticus asks Meghan as she makes it to us.
That’s another strange thing. I thought I hated Meghan because of the way she moved in on Darren, knowing he was dating Jules, but she’s really become a good friend and one that I truly need now. She also discovered that Darren was an asshole who was cheating on her and Jules with Marie Ison.
“They arrested Darren this morning.”
“Darren?”
“Yeah, they have proof he’s the one that killed Jules.”
“Proof?” Atticus asks.
“Yeah, I guess they found a witness that saw Darren and Jules fighting near the place where they found her body.”
“Holy shit,” Atticus says.
Pain shoots down my back. It’s so intense that I can’t seem to catch my breath.
“You’re telling me. I can’t believe I dated that monster,” Meghan says.
“Just because they were arguing, doesn’t mean he did it,” I tell him, finally able to talk now that the pain has eased.
“I guess they also found the knife she was stabbed with in his car,” Meghan says. “It still weirds me out that I rode in that car,” she adds with a shudder.
“I hope they lock him away for life,” Atticus growls.
“Me too, I guess,” Meghan responds.
“Does that mean you don’t think he did it?” I ask, moving around and pressing back against the bench that I’m sitting in because I can feel the pain there again. I’ve been hurting all day, but not like this.
Maybe I overdid it yesterday when I helped Mom clean house?
“I don’t know. The Darren I knew was a dumb ass. It’s strange, because we dated for a while and I never got psycho-killer vibes from him at all. Though to be fair, I never got the I’m cheating on you with the biggest ho in the school vibes either,” she adds with a flip of her hair.
“Like you would know,” Atticus says.
“I’m serious! I get more psycho vibes from you.”
