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Was he really that big of an asshole?
He didn’t want to be.
“You want to come up?” she asked.
She would get the wrong idea, and she’d end up hurt. Hell, he’d probably already hurt her, out there in the parking lot. She would regret it later on. But it would be worse if he took her up to her apartment and took her to bed the way he wanted to, because she would wake up in the morning thinking they had something that didn’t exist.
It couldn’t exist. This pull he felt when he looked at her, and the out-of-control way he’d felt under the tree, as if he had to touch her or something would slip away from him, something he needed—that was all an illusion. It took a long time to get to know somebody, to figure out all the stuff about them that was going to drive you nuts over the long haul. Weeks and months to find out how compatible you were in the sack and to get your sense of humor lined up.
This thing with Amber—it was some kind of temporary attachment, the result of spending that time in the dark with her. Probably the result of flipping out in front of her, too. Attraction and fear came with potent chemicals. Surely they could make you think you had something that wasn’t really there.
“Go ahead and say no, if you’re going to say no,” she said. “Don’t sit there trying to decide how to break it to me.”
She had that snap to her voice again. That don’t-bullshit-me tone that he liked, even when she was busting his balls. “That’s not what I was trying to decide.”
“Sure you were. If you were going to say yes, you’d already have said it.”
“You know what happens if I come up.”
She glanced at him, then away. “Probably.”
“Definitely.”
Her chin lifted. “I can fix you something to eat, if I can get the burners to light. The stove’s gas. I can’t dry your clothes off, though.”
“So I strip, you offer me a towel, and then we sit around in the dark with candles lit, and what? Talk about baseball?”
“I like baseball.”
“You do, huh?”
“I watch it with my dad.”
He reached out to cup her shoulder, knowing his touch would rattle her and wanting it to. “Look, Amber. If I come up, I’m going to have you naked in no time flat. I’m going to fuck you. Is that what you want?”
She squirmed. “Do you have to say it that way?”
“Say it what way, ‘fuck’?”
“Yeah.”
“What would you call it, honey? Until a couple hours ago, I’d never even had a conversation with you. We do this tonight, it’s not gonna be making love. It’ll just be sex. And then I go to work Monday, and you unlock the place, and we gotta figure out how to be around each other after. The more I think about it, the more it sounds like a terrible idea.”
Her fingers picked at the fabric over her knee. “I don’t see why it has to be that way,” she said quietly. “After, I mean.”
“You don’t get why it has to be one night.”
“No. I mean, yes, sort of. I guess I don’t see why you’re so sure you know what’s going to happen. It’s not like any of this has gone according to some master plan you had.”
“I know how I am.”
Her face came up, and those eyes found his. Those huge, dark eyes, searching his expression for something they were never going to find. “So if you come up, and we … then tomorrow, you’re not going to like me anymore, is that it?”
He sighed. “I’ll still like you. I just won’t want to hurt you, any more than I do now. I’m trying to do the right thing here. We already talked about this, right? You want a wedding and a white dress. Even if we made sense as a couple—and we really don’t, babe, when you think about it—I’m not going to be able to give you that.”
Her expression hardened as he spoke, her mouth flattening out. “That’s so insulting.”
“What is?”
