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Jessie is definitely not mundane. There’s not a damn thing boring about her. The woman has me obsessed with her. It’s hard for me to believe that I could be this caught up over a woman I’ve barely had any time with. Maybe Roman is right and you just know the minute you find someone. It hurts that I have to give her up, but I will.
There’s no way around it.
Jessie deserves nothing but good in her life. She’s the type of woman who should be surrounded by kids, a house with a picket fence, drive a minivan and shuffle back and forth to soccer practice and cheerleading for the kids.
“What are you thinking about?” she asks, and I didn’t realize how quiet I was. I don’t know how long I’ve been standing there thinking about all of this, so I shrug it off.
“Just thinking that I’ve not done much in life right at all, but whatever I did to deserve getting to know you leaves me grateful.”
“You really do give a lot of compliments Allen.”
“Do I?”
“Definitely, I’m not sure how to take them.”
“They’re compliments, by the very definition, I think you’re supposed to take them as honesty that someone thinks you’re a wonderful person, Mouse.”
“Oh wow, your hotel room is bigger than my whole apartment,” she gasps, finally looking around.
It’s weird, you would think after the life I’ve led, I’d look at things like that, be grateful for the luxury that I have experienced since Roman has taken me under his wing. But, the truth is, I barely notice any of it. I go through the day in steps, doing my best to just make it from sun up to sun down and start it all over again the following day.
“I guess. I never really thought about it.”
“I guess you’re used to things like this,” she laughs and I can tell I’ve made her feel self-conscious.
“Not really, Mouse. Trust me, I wasn’t born into this life. I don’t truly belong here.”
“I don’t understand.”
I’m a trailer park kid. I was what most call trailer trash–literally.”
“You could never be trash, Allen.”
“You have no idea. Anyways, I had room service bring us dinner. I ordered you chicken since that seems to be what you gravitate towards when we go out.”
“You notice?”
“I notice everything about you, Jessie.”
“You’re wrong you know.”
“About what?”
“You’re not trash.”
“Jessie—”
“We all have pasts, Allen,” she says stepping into me. Her fingers curl into my shirt as she goes up on the tips of her toes to grab my attention. Our gazes locked and I swear I can hear her heart beating in my ears, though there’s no way that’s possible. It feels like mine is beating in the same rhythm.
“Jessie, you don’t understand. There’s a lot—”
“I know that however dark your past is, you aren’t in it anymore. People fight that fight every day and die doing it. You survived and from everything I see you live a good life now. I don’t know what your past is, but I know that here in the present you just might be the best man I’ve ever known in my life.”
“You need to shut up now, Jessie.”
“I do?” she asks, shock moving over her features.
“Yeah, because I really need to kiss you now.”
“This is me, shutting up,” she giggles and even though I feel raw inside, I laugh too…
Right before I kiss her and try to tell her all the things I want her to know, but am too afraid to give voice to.
Chapter 13
Allen
I wish I knew what in the hell I’m doing. Last night I made out with Jessie on the sofa in my room. Then, carried her to bed and held her in my arms all night. My mind is a mess and I’m dreaming dreams that I will never experience. I know that. I also know that if I don’t walk away soon, I’m going to hurt Jessie and that’s the last thing I want to do.
I should run and not walk, leave her behind. She dangerous because of everything she makes me feel, but here I am, after waking up with her in my arms this morning, sitting on her sofa with her, and holding her close.
Jessie is an addiction more potent than any drug I’ve ever had in my system and I have a feeling I’ll never get her out of my system.
I know I can’t keep her, but I haven’t been able to say goodbye yet. I have to have time with her. I need to stare at her face as much as possible and commit every nuance to my memory. I need to listen to her talk over and over so I never forget the sound of her voice, the joy in her laughter or just the way her face animates as she discusses her day.
