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I heard something nearby; it frightened me, but he didn't seem to notice. The fog now had a life and a story of its own. I was thinking about everything he had told me, and I wondered how he knew all of this.
I thought about the feminine face of God. The man at my side had a soul filled with conflict. A short time ago, he had written to me that he wanted to enter a Catholic seminary, yet now he was thinking that God has a feminine face.
He was silent. I still felt as if I were in the womb of the Earth Mother, beyond time and place.
"There were two important things that Bernadette didn't know," he finally said. "The first was that prior to the arrival of the Christian religion in these parts, these mountains were inhabited by Celts--and the Goddess was their principal object of devotion. Generations and generations had understood the feminine face of God and shared in Her love and Her glory."
"And the second thing?"
"The second was that a short time before Bernadette experienced her visions, the authorities at the Vatican had met in secret. Virtually no one knew what had occurred at those meetings--and there's no question but that the priest in the small village didn't have the slightest idea. The highest council of the Catholic Church was deciding whether they should ratify the dogma regarding the Immaculate Conception.
"The dogma wound up being ratified, through the papal bull known as Ineffabilis Deus. But the general public never knew exactly what this meant."
"And what do you have to do with all this?" I asked.
"I am Her disciple. I have learned through Her." He seemed to be saying that She was the source of all his knowledge.
"You have seen Her?"
"Yes."
WE RETURNED to the plaza and walked toward the church. I saw the well in the lamplight, with the bottle of wine and two glasses on its wall. A couple of sweethearts must have been here, I think. Silent, allowing their hearts to speak to each other. And after their hearts had said all they had to say, they began to share the great mysteries.
I felt that I was facing something quite serious and that I needed to learn everything I could from my experiences. For a few moments, I thought about my studies, about Zaragoza, and about the man I was hoping to find in my life--but all that seemed far away, clouded by the mists over Saint-Savin.
"Why did you tell me the story of Bernadette?" I asked.
"I don't know why exactly," he answered, without looking at me directly. "Maybe because we're not too far from Lourdes. Maybe because the day after tomorrow is the day of the Immaculate Conception. Or maybe it was because I wanted to show you that my world is not so solitary and mad as it may appear. There are others who are part of that world, and they believe in what they say."
"I never said that your world is mad. Maybe it's mine that's crazy. I mean, here I am, spending the most crucial time of my life concentrating on textbooks and courses that won't help me at all to escape from the place I already know too well."
I sensed that he was relieved that I understood him. I expected him to say something more about the Goddess, but instead he turned to me and said, "Let's get some sleep. We've had a lot to drink."
Tuesday, December 7, 1993
HE WENT straight to sleep, but I was awake for a long time, thinking about the fog, the wine, and our conversation. I read the manuscript he gave me, and what was in it thrilled me: God--if God really existed--was both Father and Mother.
Later, I turned out the light and lay there thinking. When we were quiet with each other, I was able to see how close I felt to him.
Neither of us had said anything. Love doesn't need to be discussed; it has its own voice and speaks for itself. That night, by the well, the silence had allowed our hearts to approach each other and get to know each other better. My heart had listened closely to what his had said, and now it was content.
Before I fell asleep, I decided I would do what he called the "exercise of the Other."
I am here in this room, I thought, far from everything familiar to me, talking about things that have never interested me and sleeping
in a city where I've never set foot before. I can pretend--at least for a few minutes--that I am different.
I began to imagine how I would like to be living right at that moment. I wanted to be happy, curious, joyful--living every moment intensely, drinking the water of life thirstily. Believing again in my dreams. Able to fight for what I wanted.
Loving a man who loved me.
Yes, that was the woman I wanted to be--the woman who was suddenly presenting herself and becoming me.
I felt that my soul was bathed in the light of a god--or of a goddess--in whom I had lost faith. And I felt that at that moment, the Other left my body and was standing in the corner of that small room.
I observed the woman I had been up until then: weak but trying to give the impression of strength. Fearful of everything but telling herself it wasn't fear--it was the wisdom of someone who knew what reality was. Putting up shutters in front of windows to keep the joy of the sun from entering--just so the sun's rays wouldn't fade my old furniture.
I looked at the Other, there in the corner of the room--fragile, exhausted, disillusioned. Controlling and enslaving what should really be free: her emotions. Trying to judge her future loves by the rules of her past suffering.
