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The rest of the evening was awkward, and Julian eventually said that he was going to get Ashleigh home. She jumped up like her ass was lit on fire.
“We should probably go, too,” I said. “Annie is still adjusting to the time difference.”
She looked up sheepishly . “But we’ll have to do this again. I loved it so much.”
“Anytime, dear. Anytime. Jordan, do you think you could stay behind for a minute with Julian?”
“Sure,” I said with furrowed brows. I passed Annie the keys. “Want to get it started?”
“Of course,” she said before heading out.
“What’s going on?”
My mom didn’t beat around the bush. She looked at me and my brother and sighed. “It’s back.”
Julian stiffened.
I stared in horror. “What is?”
But I knew.
I knew before the words left her mouth.
“The cancer.”
My vision went blurry. Everything turned to static. Julian hugged her, promised to be there for her. She told us the diagnosis. The chances of success for another time were low. But she was a fighter. She was going to fight.
“I love you, Mom,” I told her, hugging her.
She choked up. “I love you, too.”
Then I left. Because I couldn’t stay there for another minute. I couldn’t even breathe.
I dropped into the passenger seat and sat facing forward like a ghost. Completely drained of all thought.
“Jordan?” Annie whispered softly. “Is everything all right?”
“Her cancer is back.”
She gasped, “Oh, Jordan. I’m…I’m so sorry.”
Her hands wrapped around me. I should have felt something. Should have broken down like Julian had as he cried on my mom’s shoulder. But I felt nothing. Just numbness.
I didn’t know if she’d make it this time. And I’d moved to Lubbock last time to be here when she went through her care. What if I was gone this time for it? Fuck.
29
Annie
Jordan dropped me back off at home. He wanted to be alone despite all of my protests. So, I slunk back to my house, nudging a meowing Avocado out my way, as I worried about him. I knew exactly what I needed to do.
I pulled my laptop out and opened my ranks.
* * *
Seattle—University of Washington
Baltimore—Johns Hopkins
Atlanta—Emory
Los Angeles—University of Southern California
Dallas—University of Texas, Southwestern
…
* * *
Seattle right there at the top, like I’d always wanted. I still had a few days before I needed to commit and submit the official form. I probably should have talked to someone about it, but I’d already made up my mind. As soon as Jordan had sunk down into the driver’s seat, I’d known what it meant.
His mom had cancer. He’d moved here, primarily, to be with her for the worst of it. He and Julian had literally given up their entire life to take care of her. They were only now getting back on their feet, and now…it was happening all over again.
Right after Jordan had agreed to move with me to Seattle.
As much as I tried to avoid worst-case scenarios and look on the bright side and all that, I was a medical student. I knew the likelihood of her recovering after her fourth—or was it fifth?—time with breast cancer. It didn’t look good. Would he hate me forever for taking him away if something went wrong?
I closed my eyes and tried not to cry.
I couldn’t take him away. That much was obvious.
The Submit button hovered invitingly. But despite how much wanted Seattle…it had always been a pipe dream. I’d rather be here and happy with Jordan than away and have him resent me. I reordered my choices.
* * *
Lubbock—Texas Tech University
Seattle—University of Washington
Baltimore—Johns Hopkins
Atlanta—Emory
Los Angeles—University of Southern California
…
* * *
I pressed Submit on my dreams.
And I went to bed.
Everything changed after that day.
Not in any meaningful, measurable way.
But it all still floundered.
Today was my day off, and I really should have been at work. I needed the stress of the emergency room to clear my head. To make me not obsess about this. Jordan had claimed he had to be at work late the next couple days. But I guessed he was doing what I wished I could have done at the hospital. Jennifer was away for the week at an elopement in Denver, which left the house too quiet. I could have run, but I was too down. I should have been studying, but the words all blurred together on the pages.
So, when the text came through, I jumped to answer it. Anything to keep me from wallowing.
Hey you! If you’re free today, you should swing by and check out my new place. Could use someone’s advice on filling the space. Can probably provide pizza in exchange.
Chase Sinclair. Needing interior decorating advice. Hilarious.
I knew from Ashleigh that his girlfriend—fiancée?—wasn’t moving in for another couple weeks because of her job back in Houston. Which probably meant that it still looked like a bachelor pad.
Pizza is a fair exchange, Sinclair. You better get the pepperoni, sausage, Canadian bacon.
