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And I wouldn’t do it. Couldn’t do it.
My mother’s instinct roared to life, overshadowing the bond I had with my own mother, already stretched thin and worn down.
“Mom, there’s something you need to know.” The tone of my voice, dark and loud, made both Carter and Penny turn to face me. Part of me recognized that this was my last secret from Carter. After this, I was just an open book, while he was still a mystery to me in so many ways. But I wasn’t about to tell him to leave.
“This baby was a decision,” I said, and Penny opened her mouth to say something, but I smacked my hand down on the counter. “Let me talk. All my life I’ve let you say these poisonous things, these hurtful things, and I’m done. You won’t do it anymore. Not to me and never, ever to this baby.”
“I never meant to hurt you,” Penny whispered, her eyes wide, and I knew that my mother was telling the truth. She just didn’t know how to be any other way—her years of sacrifice for me had worn her down to a blunt object with no finesse. No empathy.
But with a baby coming, things needed to change.
“That doesn’t make it okay anymore. You need to know.” I looked over at Carter, who was steadfast and serious, watching my every move. My every breath. “Maybe both of you do. I was pregnant about a year and a half ago.” Penny exhaled hard and slumped against the counter. “I was dating a violin player in the orchestra and…it just happened. It wasn’t planned, but it wasn’t a mistake.” The word was a barb I threw right at my mother.
“I was thrilled. Delirious. Victor, not so much. When I…miscarried—” the lump in my throat, the sudden tears were a surprise but I rolled over them, undeterred “—Victor was relieved. I broke up with him, and as months passed, I realized that I wanted a family. A baby. My baby. And I knew that I could wait for another man to come along and make this happen for me, or I could do it myself.”
Oddly, I wasn’t looking at my mother. I watched Carter, told Carter. I watched my words, the words I’d never said out loud, sink in.
“What are you saying?” Penny asked.
I ran my hands over my belly.
Sorry, baby, I thought, because I was breaking my promise. But I realized that my promise was just a different kind of jail than the one my mother put me in, but a jail nonetheless, with its own walls and locks. And, I thought, glancing at Carter, maybe I’d kept this secret out of embarrassment, and I didn’t want to be embarrassed about my child. About wanting a child.
I was proud, and it was time for this to end.
“The baby’s father is sample 1371D.”
16
ZOE
The silence filled the room until the pressure in the air was so thick, so ominous, my head hurt.
“He’s tall, but not too tall. Brown hair, blue eyes. No history of cancer or heart disease. He’s a student at U of T—a double major in biomedicine and earth science.” I started to babble out of sheer nerves. “I wanted someone good at math and science, you know, who would balance me out.”
“Of course,” Carter said, sincere and earnest, not a hint of mockery in his voice or face. Nothing but… pride. Affection. “That makes sense, Zoe. Perfect sense.”
“Are you saying you went to a sperm bank?” Penny asked, her face creased in horror and confusion. “You… did this on purpose?”
“I wanted a family, Mom.”
“I’m your family.”
“You’re my… I don’t know, jail cell. And I’m yours. You love me, but you resent me. And I love you, I do. But I sure as hell am beginning to resent you.”
“Resent me?” Penny whispered, her eyes welling up with tears, and I felt awful. Really awful. But there was nothing I could do. These walls needed to be broken down so that something new could be built.
“I don’t know what to say,” Penny whispered, folding up a tea towel into precise corners. “I think…maybe…” she sighed and looked around at the turkey and the potatoes growing cold on the counter. “I’m going to leave.”
It was on the tip of my tongue to stop her, to tell her it was okay, to wipe all of this away, but Carter reached over and twined his fingers with mine, gathering them all up until our palms were pressed together. Tight. I felt his heart beating in the center of his hand, just as I felt the beat of the baby’s heart in my belly like the flutter of a small bird, the tide of an ocean…of life.
Family, I thought, knowing it was true no matter how unlikely.
This man, the baby, me. That was family.
