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“Thank you,” I breathed, flattered beyond measure.
“About Carter—”
“You can say I told you so, if you want,” I said, my heart so tired and sore I couldn’t even say his name. “You were right. He’s left.”
“I’m not here to say I told you so,” Penny said. “I’m not here to make this pain worse.”
To my utter amazement, Penny’s eyes filled with tears. “You’re so brave, Zoe. So much braver than me.”
I stepped forward and reached for my mother’s hands. “That’s not true, Mom. You were twenty-three. A kid—”
Penny shook her head. “I’m not talking about being a mother. I’m talking about…” she sighed heavily. “I don’t know, being a woman. Being a lover or a girlfriend. You throw your heart around like it can’t be broken. You’ve always done that.”
I rested my head against my mother’s shoulder. My broken heart pounded and throbbed in my chest, proving what a reckless mistake that had been.
“I had relationships, you know,” Mom said, and I lifted my head, slightly scandalized.
“What?”
“Boyfriends over the years. I just never cared enough about any of them to bring them home to you. Or maybe I just cared so much about you…” she stopped. “Either way, I think…now, I think that was a mistake. I should have opened our world, even if there had been some pain involved.”
“No, Mom, you were right. This pain…” I touched my chest, rubbed at the sore spot as if it might help. “Nothing is worth this pain. I thought I would never regret what Carter and I had, but I was wrong. I wish I’d never stood on that damn chair.”
“Oh, honey,” Penny said and she folded me in a tight hug, and I was ready to go back to that world. The world of the two of us, insulated against everybody else. And my mom could make that happen. Things were safe with my mom; no one got in and no one got hurt.
“You don’t mean that,” Penny said.
“I do, Mom. I do. Carter…that was a mistake.”
Penny blinked and stroked my face. “No, honey, a mistake is not trying. A mistake is never opening the door to the possibility of love. Don’t let this pain change you like it changed me.”
My phone buzzed in the pocket of my raincoat and I fished it out, my heart hammering hard in my chest. Sure, I could talk a good game about regretting Carter, but I wished it was him on that phone. Longed to hear his voice.
“Hello?” I said.
“Zoe, sorry to bother you, but this is Savannah Woods…O’Neill. This is Carter’s sister.”
“Savannah, hi,” I said, surprised. “How did you get this number?”
“I’m so sorry. This is illegal in a bunch of different ways I’m sure, but my sister-in-law has friends in law enforcement and I would never have done this, but we’re having an emergency.”
“Emergency? Are you okay?”
“Fine. But we can’t find Carter.”
18
ZOE
I stood outside Carter’s dark condo with his spare key in my hand. He’d shown me where it was a week ago. God, had that been last week? It felt like a lifetime ago.
If I used this key and he was in there, he was going to lose his mind. Rightly so, I had to admit, but he wasn’t answering his cell phone. Savannah had talked to him briefly, a few days ago, right after the news had broken. He’d said he was going after Vanessa, but after that, five days of silence. And going after Vanessa—that could mean anything. New Orleans. New York. Hell, he could be in Beijing.
Savannah had called the police and hospitals, but neither had any information. I’d tried his assistant, even the mayor’s office, but no one had talked to him in a week. I called Eric Lafayette, who said Carter had just disappeared off the face of the earth.
There was a good chance he was just holed up in his condo. Lying low. But enough was enough, I thought, sliding the key in the lock—people were freaking out.
Not me, of course, I told myself. I didn’t care. Since there was nothing between us, why would I care? But my hands were sweating, and I really, really hoped he was in there, maybe drunk. Hungover. I’d even take him angry.
But please, I prayed, let him be safe.
“Hello?” I cried, stepping into the dark foyer. His running shoes were there, the earbuds still in them. I kicked over a pile of mail from the mail slot, which made me nervous. He hadn’t been here to move it. “Carter?” I cried.
I ran through the rooms but it only confirmed what I knew.
Carter was gone.
Carter was gone, and no matter how much I pretended I didn’t care, it was a lie.
I called Ben and Phillip and then my mother.
And then my love for Carter pushed me back into my car and onto the highway. It pushed me all the way to Bonne Terre.
