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Cameron heard the scrape of a stool and Max’s heavy breath as he sat, and Alice sighed and gave him a brief quick smile.
“Sit down,” Max said. “Tell us what happened.”
Cameron didn’t sit and he didn’t talk because he could see in Max’s face that his opinion was set. And Alice kept herself busy putting the nachos he was never going to eat in the oven under the broiler. Delia came down, looking worried and resigned.
Cameron felt his face get hot and red, and he looked away. The guilt squeezed his chest so tight he could barely breathe. Part of him wanted to be mad again. But mad was too easy. Mad was what his father would have done. Mad was what he would have done years ago. Slipping into that skin…so easy. Standing here and trying to explain how he’d made one mistake but truly wasn’t going to make another one…impossible.
“I’ll tell you what happened,” Delia said, kissing her husband’s cheek and sighing. “Our daughter got just drunk enough to finally tell Cameron how she feels. She said she kissed him. She said she accidentally pulled him onto the bed.”
“Is that true?” Max asked.
“Does it change anything?” Cameron asked. “Does it make my part in it okay?”
“Maybe,” Alice said.
“No,” Max said.
Delia rolled her eyes and smacked her husband’s shoulder. “Stop.”
“No.” He shook his head. “I won’t. Cameron knows what he did was wrong.”
“Cameron?” Delia asked. “Do you love Josie?”
“It doesn’t matter. Because it doesn’t change the fact that I trusted you,” Max said to Cameron, and that was really what it came down to. Every bit of it. He’d betrayed Max. Josie. The whole family. “And then I found you on top of her.”
“Max…” Delia started to chastise him but Cameron hadn’t said a word to anyone about his feelings for Josie. Not until tonight, and it didn’t seem right to talk about his feelings with anyone but her, but he couldn’t have Max thinking what he felt was…cheap. Or convenient.
“I love her,” Cameron said.
“And she’s been watching him with her heart in her eyes since she was fifteen,” Delia said
Max looked unconvinced. He looked like he was still ready to murder Cameron.
All of a sudden, Cameron remembered being a kid in his father’s home. And being too young to understand that what he needed he’d never get, but being scared to leave. It had seemed, even suffering his dad’s neglect and abuse, easier to stay and be hated and miserable than it was to leave. So he’d waited too long to leave. He’d wasted years festering in a garbage situation.
“I think…I think it’s best if I just leave,” Cameron said.
“And go where?” Alice asked. “You live here.”
“But maybe I shouldn’t anymore. You’ve been on me for months now about what my plans are for the future.”
“Well, this isn’t a plan. This is just running away. Max!” Alice cried. “Help me!”
“I don’t know,” Max said. “Maybe this is for the best.”
“What?” Alice and Delia both turned on him, aghast.
“Maybe…” Max shrugged. “Maybe this was the push we all needed to help him figure it out.”
“This isn’t helping anything,” Delia said. “It’s kicking Cameron out.”
“It’s not,” Cameron said. “I think…Max is right.” He even managed to smile at Max, like they were on the same side. Like the relationship they had wasn’t over.
You were the only father I really ever had. He wished he could say that, but his words were shit. He knew that. Max didn’t care.
“He’s not.” Alice shook her head.
“You’ve been on me for months now. A year, even. To figure out what I was going to do next. I’m doing that.” Cameron shrugged, like it was all no big deal.
“No, you’re leaving because Max is scaring you and you’re upset and freaked out. This is not the time to make that decision.”
Max was silent, and even Delia was quiet and he got that. He’d burned through the trust they had for him. Now he just needed Alice to understand.
“If I stay,” Cameron said, feeling that sick ball in his stomach climb up in his throat. If I stay in the only home I’ve ever known, with the only people I’ve ever loved and who ever showed me kindness… Oh fuck. He couldn’t say that. “If I stay tomorrow you’ll have a job for me and then another job. You’ll do everything you can to make me stay—”
“No, I won’t,” Alice lied. Smoke was coming out of the oven so he walked over, grabbed the tea towel, and pulled the blackened nachos out of the oven. He set them on the counter and knew in his gut that he would never be able to eat nachos again.
“You will. And I’ll let you. And…I would stay and learn everything you can teach me and not once think about learning anything else. Or experiencing anything else. I would have…” He swallowed and shook his head, and it was so hard to say. So hard. “I would have loved Josie and never learned to love anyone else.”
